


Aren't we just terrified?

by Greta_Garbage



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex doesn't care about labels, Angst, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Justin is gay, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Sad boi alex standall, They really do be dicks tho, but his dad does, but won't admit it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25938655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greta_Garbage/pseuds/Greta_Garbage
Summary: Alex was sure that at some point, he had been happy. It seemed impossible for a person to go their whole life miserable, but as Alex explored the recesses of his mind, he could only find one memory in which he was happy, truly happy.His dad’s head thrown back, his left hand pinching the bridge of his nose.  “God Lyn, you can’t baby him forever! You're gonna make him...that way.” His mom pressed her hand on the ear that wasn’t resting on her shoulder, but Alex still heard what she said. “For Christ's sake, Bill, he’s eight!”He had always been athletic, the one redeeming quality he had in the eyes of his mom’s various boyfriends, there is nothing pathetic guys love more than picking on “faggots” Justin wasn’t gay. Still, he needed to make sure that whatever scumbag his mom was currently dating didn’t think he was, Justin been hurt too many times not to care what they thought about him, he had to care.A very long fic about these two. I hadn't seen anyone writing something a little longer/more serious with these two usually just one-shots but our boys deserve more!
Relationships: Hannah Baker & Alex Standall, Hannah Baker & Jessica Davis, Hannah Baker/Justin Foley, Jessica Davis & Alex Standall, Jessica Davis/Alex Standall, Jessica Davis/Justin Foley, Justin Foley/Alex Standall
Comments: 27
Kudos: 34





	1. Banana Nut

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I love these two and I think the dynamics of their relationship would work perfectly for a longer fic. If you want to comment or leave kudos that would greatly be appreciated. Btw starts a little slow but will pick up eventually just wanted to give some context. Follows the general storyline of season(s) 1 and a half because those are the best.

Alex was sure that at some point, he had been happy. It seemed impossible for a person to go their whole life miserable, but as Alex explored the recesses of his mind, he could only find one memory in which he was happy, truly happy. 

He had been eight and a half; he remembers that he was specifically eight and a half as it was his half birthday. He had learned what they were two months previously and was irrationally excited for it, so much so that the day he learned about it from one Jason Dolores, he ran home after school and told his mom first thing when he entered the house.

He liked that house. It was only one story, and it was dark green with brown accents and old creaky porch steps, his favorite part was the ladder his dad had positioned on the side of the house after his brother, Peter, had nearly broken his spine trying to climb up. He would climb the ladder in roughly 6 seconds and spend all day on the roof looking over the suburbs, filled with long flat one story houses just like his.

“Wake up honey…” he had been awoken by a gentle voice that could only have belonged to his mother as she was the only person he knew who could talk softly, his brother and his dad certainly didn’t know-how. “Mom?” he replied groggily. He looked over to see his mom holding a muffin, banana nut. “Happy half birthday!” She had a big grin on her face; it quickly spread to Alex's face too. He couldn’t believe she remembered. “I thought a muffin would be perfect for a half birthday since it’s not quite cake.” Alex rubbed his eyes and, on further inspection, discovered a candle on top of the muffin; it was the number nine only it had was cut in half, he giggled at the thought of his mom, in the shadows of the early morning light, cutting a candle in half. 

“Thanks, mama!” Alex now would never call his mom “mama,” though sometimes he wanted to, he always stopped himself saying that it’s too silly to call your mom “mama” when you're fifteen.

She set the muffin down on his bedside table and wrapped him in a big hug. Alex had some trouble with words when he was younger, he had grown out of it, though it had resulted in him often thinking things instead of saying them out loud or saying things out loud that he really should have kept to himself. Because of this, he tugged on her shirt, “Honey, breathe, use your words. I don’t know what you mean if you don’t use your words.” She did, he was asking why she wasn’t wearing her scrubs. 

She leaned back keeping one hand on Alex’s shoulder, she placed her other hand on her chest and accentuated her breathing, Alex followed her closing his eyes, he didn’t see it, but she had smiled at him sadly. “Where...Where are your scrubbies?” he yawned and sniffed slightly, his morning allergies starting to kick in. “Well, since it is your half birthday, which is a momentous occasion, I took the day off work.” He didn’t know what the words momentous occasion meant, but he figured it was a good thing since his mom barely got any days off.  
Alex looking back felt terrible, his mom never took days off for herself It was always if he was having a bad day and needed a friend, or if Peter had messed up his braces again from getting in a fight or if his dad was having a cookout in their backyard, or a potluck for the year that they lived in an apartment when his parents had gotten sick. He had wanted to move closer to them. 

Alex felt sad for his mom. She loved Brentrock, she loved living by the water, she had friends which the day they left had come to her, and tearily she had hugged them. She didn’t talk the whole way through the six-hour drive to Denver unless it was to tell Peter to leave Alex alone.

The day of his half birthday had been perfect, just him and his mom, they had gone to feed the ducks, Alex’s favorite activity. They got ice cream, His mom got strawberry, and he got some over-complicated, chocolatey, artery-clogging dish which had a name far too long for Alex to remember. They went on a picnic by the lake, his mom’s favorite activity. She had packed two sandwiches, both peanut butter and honey instead of jam; he despised jam. His mom said he was a texture eater, Alex didn’t know what that meant, but he told all the other kids at school anyways, but kids are cruel. 

Suddenly Alex was hit with a not so sweet memory of at least ten different kids smearing jam and mashed potatoes with gravy all over him, the principal called his mom and said he had an episode, what they meant is he used a word eight-year-olds were not allowed to say and that she had to come to pick him up. 

Alex sat outside on the pavement picking at the grass that sprouted through the cracks, when she pulled up in their station wagon she smiled softly at him, “Hop in kiddo.” she looked a little sad, maybe like she had been crying Alex knew even then that he probably shouldn’t say anything. Instead, he had hugged his mom as tightly as he could. 

When he was lying in bed that night with his door cracked slightly open, he heard his dad talking with his mom, “He can’t keep doing this, Carolyn! He's eight years old for fucks sake!” She shushed him, “Where do you think he got it from, hmm? Because it certainly isn’t from me, and I’m pretty sure it isn’t from the kids at school.” They half whispered half yelled for a little while longer until the sound of broken glass and a yelp shocked Alex into attention, he sleepily had walked out his room, rubbing his eyes he innocently questioned. “What’s going on, you guys?”

His mom was crying and shaking; his father was leaning against the counter, Alex looked at his mom then at the wall behind her it was covered in a liquid that didn’t smell very nice, Alex knew now that it was beer, green glass strewn about the floor. “Mama?” He was frowning that way that kid’s frown when they are about to cry, his mom walked over to him and scooped him up in her arms. 

“Shh… it’s okay, baby.” She rubbed his back gently, shushing him whispering positive affirmations in his ears, his lip quivered. His dad’s head was thrown back, his left hand pinching the bridge of his nose. “God Lyn, you can’t baby him forever! You're gonna make him,” he sighed. “That way.” His mom pressed her hand on the ear that wasn’t resting on her shoulder, but Alex still heard what she said. “For Christ's sake, Bill, he’s eight!” 

She carried Alex back into his room swiftly, she laid him back in his bed, and kissed him on his forehead, he felt her wince when the screen door that connected the back porch to the kitchen closed with a bang. Alex looked at her watch that was dangling gently off her wrist; it was one in the morning he hoped his dad would be back for breakfast. She sobbed as she laid her head on Alex's back, her hand running through his hair. “Mama? Are you alrighty?” She giggled. “Yes, baby, I’m alrighty.” 

She squeezed him one final time before walking away, being sure not to close his door on her way out. His dad didn’t come back inside for another hour, Alex figured he was smoking on the back porch, deliberately defying his mother's wishes. Alex didn’t fall asleep that night until he was so tired that he basically passed out rather than actually falling asleep. Alex secretly watched his father walk in and return his pack of Newports to their hiding place in the space between the microwave and the cabinet. He walked with one hand in his pocket and the other rubbing his temple, he walked past Alex’s door and stopped, he closed it. 

Alex’s attempt at finding a happy memory had only been partly successful, he missed his mom, she wasn’t dead or anything, she was just a shell of her former self, she didn’t take days off of work as much or go to the lake to the picnic or see her friends (not that she any to see). 

Yet still every September fifteenth, he would wake up to a banana nut muffin sitting on his bedside table. However, today was not September fifteenth, today was August twenty-third, and it was the second week of sophomore year. Alex hadn’t left his house pretty much at all since they moved, that is until school started. 

He heard the blaring of his alarm clock as it mocked him that he had to go socialize out in the real world instead of just talking to strangers in chat rooms for Unsolved Mysteries. God, he thought, I’m like a fucking old woman. He walked over to the mirror, can’t you just be normal? He interrogated himself with these types of questions at nearly all times.

He left the mirror to walk over to his closet and grab out an outfit he was sure would get him called a fag, but he didn’t give a shit, he knew what he looked like, thin, bleach blonde, a nose ring. Any one of those things would earn him that title so, he had just decided fuck it. Much to his father's chagrin. Alex knows his dad probably loves him, but he doesn’t like him. He doesn’t like anything about him, not the way he dresses or the music he listens to or just the way his body looks, which was hardly Alex's fault.

Nevertheless, his father would manage to make him feel bad about it. He least liked, though, that at his last school he had been bullied, he said that Alex “ought to stand up for himself more” and to have a “god damn backbone.” Alex knew nothing would change; he’d still be bullied and pushed around only this time he wasn’t going to let his dad find out.

Alex examined his outfit in the mirror, it was just a white polo shirt and black jeans, but Alex grabbed out one of his favorite sweatshirts as he tended to run cold. It was a St. Vincent one of his favorite artists, if he was wearing headphones, so his parents or Peter couldn’t hear. 

He walked quickly down the stairs and grabbed a bottle of orange juice from the fridge and a bagel off the counter, hey at least I’m eating something. He reminds himself that anything is better than nothing.

He didn’t see any of his family, so he figured they had all gone for the day. It became apparent that they hadn’t when Alex opened the door, and his mother’s voice called out to him, “Alex, please take a jacket. It might rain later.” He didn’t look to find her or argue that the sky was literally cloudless; instead, he just complied and grabbed a jean jacket that was hanging in the entryway. 

It wouldn’t do much in the rain if his mother was correct about the coming weather, but hey anything is better than nothing.


	2. Hair Gel and Open Button Ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin hasn't always had an easy time fitting in but then again neither has that new kid Alex Standall. Justin remembers the first time he met Alex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted twice today lol.  
> Anyways kudos and comments are always appreciated <3

Justin motherfucking Foley, as he’s known throughout the school, and honestly, he believes that he is the shit, he has to. He knew if his confidence wavered for just a second that he would become a pathetic ball of sadness, like that Standall kid. He was new in school, and since he got here a month ago, Justin hadn’t seen him smile one god damn time.

Justin didn’t mean to be so shitty, he figured it was just the way he was, but his mom had told him once that actual shitty people didn’t even know that they are shitty, in fact, they usually think they’re the good guys. Justin knew people like this, well not so much “people” as he knew Bryce Walker.

Bryce Walker was the king of Liberty High, he had slept with practically every girl there, sold weed to the losers, hung out with all the right people, and it didn’t hurt that he was rich and handsome. _Handsome? The fuck foley? Don’t be a fag. Yo chill, it’s not gay to know a guy is attractive._ He argued internally; it wasn’t that noteworthy though, as he already forgot about this inner monologue before the day was over before he was at Bryce’s, high off his mind and drunk off his ass.

He didn’t mind either of these feelings; he enjoyed the burn each gave as you enjoyed them, the way that you feel like you can do anything but just sat on the couch. He liked it so much he had decided roughly ten seconds after his first hit ever, that he was going to stay like this forever. It was how Justin had gained the friendship of Bryce.

It was his second week at school, he was still readjusting as his mom had pulled him out of his last year of middle school, so they could “go on a road trip.” something that never happened, he tried to pretend it was okay that he didn’t mind not being in school, that it was one long summer, but it wasn’t. Justin was lonely. He spent that year being afraid he would be too far behind and that high school would be too hard, if his mom even let him go to high school, luckily she did. After a vaguely threatening letter received from the board of education, where it said since Justin hadn’t been appropriately withdrawn from school that if he didn’t attend high school, they would be forced to call child services.

His mom freaked out; she quit the job as a grocery bagger that she was barely holding on to and then proceeded to stab a coke dealer in the leg. They moved.

He had always been athletic, the one redeeming quality he had in the eyes of his mom’s various boyfriends, there is nothing more pathetic guys love more than picking on “faggots” Justin wasn’t gay. Still, he needed to make sure that whatever scumbag his mom was currently dating didn’t think he was, Justin had been hurt too many times not to care what they thought about him, he had to care.

He worked out every day; he hated running though, it was another one of those things that every time Justin started, he didn’t want to stop. It was because of his constant working out that joining both the football team and the basketball team was an easy enough feat.

However, at the time, he was still “the new kid,” and none of his teammates liked him. Bryce Walker had been the first to lead the charge against him. Bryce had seen Justin put gel in his hair once and had whispered into the ear of Montgomery De La Cruz loud enough for everyone else to hear “Damn dude, didn’t know we let fruits on the team.”  
Looking back, Justin thought it was kind of funny but only because now Bryce would have just called him a fag and gotten it over with.

Justin remembers not wanting to explain the hair gel thing, which admittedly was a little weird for a 14-year-old kid, but they didn’t know about Tom. Tom was the only one of his mom’s flings that he actually liked, and he liked Justin.

He wasn’t an addict like all the others and helped his mom to try to be better, they all moved to a nicer house together, Tom was a dentist, and he promised Justin that he would take care of them, Justin believed him.

Tom was obsessed with Buddy Holly, said he had been since his “old man” had shown him a picture of Buddy shortly after he had gotten his first set of glasses and complained that they made him look dumb, his “old man” explained that no one on the face of the earth has ever been cooler than Buddy Holly, Tom agreed, Justin didn’t, he thought Tom was.

He would bring home ice cream after work for them to eat on the porch together, he bought Justin his first pair of running shoes, after hearing that Justin exercised in converse. Tom had been the one to show him how to slick his hair back just like Buddy. He really missed Tom.

After that day on his way out of school, he almost threw out his hair gel, almost, he kept it for Tom, but Justin vowed he wouldn’t wear it until it wasn’t a weird thing to do anymore.  
Bryce walker started styling his hair the first week of sophomore year after watching mean girls for the first time, incredibly drunk, he had put himself in the Aaron Michaels position and decided he too would look sexy with his hair pushed back.

Justin said he looked like an ass; the girls at school, however, disagreed with Justin since soon Bryce was already talking about how many girls had been “coming onto him” phrasing that Monty chortled at. Soon Zach Dempsey, who wasn’t new to the school but new to the tigers, started slicking back his hair, Monty also gelled his hair, but he liked it sticking up rather than pushed back after that Justin let himself care a little bit more about his hair. His hair was messy; it lay in lazy waves on his head, and if he hadn’t showered in a while, it would lay flat on his forehead, but he didn’t gel his hair anymore, at least not often.

After practice, they had all been walking to the bus stop when Bryce had mentioned something about wanting to get high to piss off his parents, and Justin had said he had “a metric fuck ton” of weed stashed at his house, he didn’t mention it wasn’t his. They all looked at him, mouths gaping, Bryce said to bring it over tomorrow, he didn’t ask.

Zach looked worried and tried desperately to give them the whole ‘weed is a gateway drug, and it’ll make you want to kill your loved ones” speech, but Justin couldn’t bring himself to care he knew Zach was wrong, and instead of correcting him he just said, “Zach please will you shut the fuck up.” Zach did but still worried, that is until he was on his third hit.

That night he had been introduced to Bryce's pool house, it was also the first time he slept there, but it was far, far from the last. As the rest of the boys laughed giddily through their first joint, Justin sat calmly on the floor leaning against the sofa where Zach and Monty sat half-heartedly playing Mario-kart. It wasn’t his first; he had grown used to the burn and the scent; it didn’t make him feel happy. It just limited his ability to be sad.

Still, though, he laughed as the others yelled loudly at the flat screen and when Bryce decided to go for a swim and then instead of getting in the pool that was six feet away went into the bathroom and got into the bathtub in his clothes. Justin knew it was funny. He wasn’t depressed by any means. He just didn’t have the same innocence or joy of the new adult world as the rest did.

That is until they started hanging out with Alex Standall, suddenly everything felt new, maybe it was just the shifted dynamic of their admittedly stale group, Justin knew, somewhere in the back of his mind though that, that wasn’t true. Sure they had only started hanging out with him because of the tapes, but he didn’t care only Monty seemed to care as he was weirdly protective of Bryce and didn’t like when new people intruded into their group especially if they didn’t fit the high standards of what is expected of people to be popular at liberty, or maybe it was just because it was Alex Standall, they hadn’t exactly gotten off on the right foot.

The first time Justin had met Alex had been two weeks into sophomore year, the group of jocks was in their regular place near the trophy case by the lockers, watching as people walked by Zach didn’t tend to participate in the guffawing and would stand there scrolling through his phone. A few fresh faces had been seen walking around the halls or if you were Bryce a few new asses.

This particular ass belonged to Alex Standall not that any of them knew his name, and surely none of them were checking out that kid with the septum piercings ass, right? “Damn lady hips, looking for a dick to suck?” Bryce talked at him. He tended to do that. The boy with the bleach blonde hair was scrolling through his phone. Jean jacket flung over his shoulder; he was wearing a light blue sweatshirt with a white polo underneath, white high tops, and of course, his signature black jeans. Justin didn’t think he owned any other bottoms if he did Justin had yet to see them, not that Justin spent all his time looking at the new kids bottom- well not his bottom, like the clothes he was wearing on his lower half where his bottom just happened to be located- _Stop it, Foley!_ His brain shouted at him.

However it was hard not to look at the boy since he was the only guy in this school who dressed differently from everyone else, the most adventurous most guys got here was a button-up undone hanging over their tee shirts. Justin looked around, noticing that all his friends were wearing precisely that, including him, he looked down at his boring ensemble almost shamefully.

As Bryce laughed with all their buddies saying he’d be too loose for Bryce anyways. The new kid flipped him off, not even looking up from his phone. The group oohed and awed Bryce pressed a mocking hand to his heart. “Oh, someone catch me. I am so stricken with grief from the loss of the school fag” He liked to play the southern bell when he mocked.

The alarmingly thin kid stopped walking. He turned around and walked determinedly back over to the gaggle of jocks who had now gone silent. He stopped in front of Bryce. He looked him up and down. “Did you know there was a study that showed that guys who use slurs for gay dudes tended to be deeply closeted gays, usually also into something gross like piss or feet or I guess in your case both.”

Justin looked up from his shoes at the boy whose eyes Justin had only just gotten the opportunity to see they were blue-ish green and he was wearing glasses, his eyes were nice, nothing more. Not gay, just nice. The boy with the nice eyes was staring with a chill intensity at the pack leader. Bryce was at a loss for words. Alex wasn’t, “Don’t worry, man I’m sure you’ll be queer eyed soon, and I’m sure Hewey, Dewey, and Lewy here will be more than happy to fulfill your wildest fantasies.”

 _Jesus_ , Justin thought, _Does this kid have no filter?_ No, apparently not as the next thing he did was the most shocking he looked down at Bryce's shoes. “Nice shoes, expensive, yeah?”  
“Uh yeah,” Bryce hesitantly replied. Monty looked at Bryce, totally weird out, Bryce was getting his ass handed to him by a kid who looked like he snorted pixie-stix.

Alex hocked a loogie. It splattered as it landed on Bryce's left shoe and covered the right one as well. “Don’t call me a fucking fag again or next time that’ll be your mouth.” He looked up at the rest of teens, seemingly unphased, he wiped his mouth and saluted them. “Good day, gentleman, got no beef with you just thought I'd clear up this little sitch,” he adjusted Bryce's jacket mockingly. “Since I've for sure had triple the pussy you could ever dream of.” Justin stifled a laugh, Fucking dick, but that was somewhat funny. He thought, his mind betraying him.

Alex resumed whatever he was doing on his phone and walked away. Justin thought, _Damn, that was badass, but what a fucking dead man._ Bryce was about to storm after the kid with the bleach blonde hair and beat the ever-loving shit out of him, Justin watched excitedly waiting for this kid to have the smug look on his face wiped clean off, but he didn’t egg Bryce on, maybe he just didn’t want to have to deal with another kid traumatized that he would have to help up after his friends fled the scene, “Yo who the fuck are you? The fuck is wrong with you are you looking for to get fucked up or-” Justin’s arm stuck out in front of him, “What the fuck foley?” he said exasperated. Justin's eyes focused on Alex, who had perked up slightly, he spun around, still walking but backward. “Oh, sorry, did I mention, I'm officer Standalls kid? Alex.” He turned around again and continued walking, and that’s how Justin became aware of one Alex Standall.

He shot Bryce a look. “Fuck, he’s a cop’s kid.” Bryce inhaled and then violently exhaled, slamming his fist into the nearest locker. “Good thing you didn’t pummel him dickwad.” Justin didn’t know why he said that. “What the hell Justin?” Justin looked down and shrugged. Bryce looked around the group, seemingly saying, ‘what the fuck is he doing.’ Justin sensed that the group was confused.

“I wanna be the first, ya know, teach him all about liberty pride.” It was true this kid- Alex was just a fucking prick. “Aww, wanna be the first aye?” Bryce tussled Justin's hair, Justin's hand shot up and grabbed Bryce's wrist, throwing it down. “Come on, don’t be mad. I didn’t mean to make fun of your boyfriend.” The group of guys chuckled. “Whatever,” Justin said after a brief eye roll. “He’s the fag here, fucking what straight dude bleaches their hair? Or wears a fucking nose ring?” He knew who that kid was, and it was Alex- Alex Standall.

“What you don’t believe his triple the pussy claim.” Justin smiled, his infectious smile he most certainly did not, but it was more just because he was a scrawny loser with an annoying sense of humor rather than being gay, which Justin also thought probably wasn’t right.  
“Nah, fags don’t get pussy.” You know what he didn’t feel bad about calling that kid a fag, or at least not until really really really deep down somewhere in a shadowy hall in his bones did he actually feel like a douchebag he wished that this small corner wasn’t so loud.

The pack resumed their previous activity, and Zach returned to scrolling through his phone now and again, stopping to show them a meme or to play a clip of a song he had found.

“Look, there comes the new girl, damn she’s got a fine ass.” Bryce said as none other than Hannah Baker had walked by, “Come on, man.” Justin said, shoving him a little bit. “Bro, why are you defending her? Didn’t she leave you on a bus?” Justin chuckled. “I mean yeah, but which one of us has her number?” he looked around mockingly. “Oh, I’m sorry, is it just me? I guess it is.” Bryce lifted his hands in surrender. “Ok, ok you win, better tell us how she is in the sack though.” Justin laughed; he wished he hadn’t. He agreed, he wished he hadn’t. He lied, he wished he hadn’t.

Justin realized all too late the mistake he had made, and he didn’t mean anything by it, honest! He was just so afraid of losing his stance as the resident cool guy which sounded so stupid and shallow, but if you weren’t cool at liberty, then you were nothing, and Justin couldn’t afford to be nothing. So Justin showed his friends a picture, a dumb picture, out of context, that started a rumor that led to Hannah being labeled as something she was not. Justin wished that he hadn’t told his friends about Hannah at all, that he had just kept her to himself. At the time, Justin tried to just let the guilt slide off him like water on a duck's back, but he couldn’t. Justin told himself that she was doing better, she wasn’t, that she had new friends, Jessica Davis and Alex dipshit Standall, but that turned out to be short-lived. No matter how hard he tried, he still felt guilty for more than one reason because out of thirteen, he was two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Justin really do be saying slurs.


	3. FML

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you serious he’s practically in love with you.” Jess spat. “Well, I wish he’d show it at least with Justin. He actually tried to like ‘woo’ me ya know,” Alex was listening begrudgingly. “Justine Frankfurt is not nice. He is a dickhead.” Hannah shoved him. “You know his name, loser.” Jess protested. Alex sighed. “Well, even if he is at least he’s one of the nicest guys on the football team.”  
> “That’s like being the tallest dwarf.”  
> “Don’t quote Heathers at me.”  
> “Ugh, whatever justice forkface is stupid can’t we talk about something else-” He gasped suddenly face to face with none other than Justin Foley. “Oh come on Alan, you aren’t even trying anymore,” Justin said smugly, hands in his varsity jacket. “It’s Alex…” Justin made a face, an are-you-fucking-serious? Face. “I’m ignoring you now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a little different mostly focuses on the Alex, Jess, and Hannah relationship wanted you to see them actually being friends.  
> Comments and kudos always appreciated. <3 <3

“Jesus christ Alex!” Hannah said, bumping her shoulder against his, “Yeah, dude, I can’t believe you did that!” Jessica seemed equally as stunned, as Alex regaled the tale of his victory against the jocks. “Well, you know he can’t just do that shit. It’s rude and not to mention gross” Alex was still staring at his phone but noticed when they stopped at Jessica's locker.   
She and Hannah talked intently, but Alex couldn’t hear them, every sound was far away, muffled. “So?” Hannah said, kicking him lightly in the shin. “Hmm?” Alex was texting his dad, unfortunately. “Yo! Lex, what’s up with you?” Jessica looked over at Hannah, worried. “Sorry, just my dad being a dick.” He tucked his phone into his back pocket, he leaned his head on Jess’ shoulder, and she put her hand on the side of his head he wasn’t lying on. 

“So? Alex, you didn’t answer me.” Hannah asked impatiently. “Oh, sorry Han, what’s up?” He had been distracted by the dictator that was his father telling him to come home at precisely six o’clock, or he would be riding to school in the back of a squad car for the rest of the semester. “Monets? After school?” Hannah kept looking back, trying to lean her head around the corner so she could see a rather scrawny kid with short black hair and who nearly always had bruises littering his face. “Why, Han, is there something you wanna talk about?” Alex raised his eyebrows. “Or someone?” Jessica added, Hannah blushed. Alex and Jessica shared a gasp. 

“Hannah!” He accentuates the syllables in her name. “I don’t get it, Clay Jensen?” Jessica asked her accusingly, “I mean, he’s actually charming once you got past the crippling social anxiety” Jessica’s mouth opened wide. “Oh. My. God. no fucking way, I mean, he is cute.”  
“Why haven’t you made a move on him yet, he's practically stiff in the pants for you already.” Jessica shoved Alex off of her at the lewd statement. “It’s just,” She looked down like she was embarrassed. “After Justin, It’s hard to trust any guys, besides he probably believes the rumors I mean didn't you guys before you met me?” They didn’t answer. Hannah looked sadly over at the group of jocks who were laughing their asses off at something Zach was showing them on his phone.

Alex rolled his eyes. He thought they were all jackasses and douchebags, or at least they all hung out with Bryce, who was both, and his dad had told him, “Son, if you associate with bad people, you are a bad person.” This statement at the time was extreme since when he told him he was referring to a kid, Alex knew who smoked weed. Alex replied, “Yes, sir.” He hadn’t meant for all his dad’s lessons to become as ingrained in his mind as they had, but his dad was essentially a drill sergeant at this point, so it wasn’t necessarily surprising. 

“So, Monets, please? I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t speak to my favorite female and my,” she paused and looked over at Clay. “Second favorite male.” she chuckled, Alex punched her arm “What the hell baker?! All this friendship thrown out the window for helmet?” She giggled, he took the opportunity to remind her of something “Hey he was a dick,” He wasn’t talking about Clay, they all knew that though. “But are you seriously gonna fuck up your chances with him,” he tilted his head, moving towards the bruised boy who was pretending that he wasn’t looking at Hannah and was instead reading his geometry book “For that loser Just-Into-Fucking?” The girls laughed. Alex was only playing being offended, right? “Don’t laugh this is serious business, Hannah has left me for Clay Jensen only to fuck it all up for Jules Froclick.” He crossed his arms. “Justin Foley,” She corrected, still laughing. 

“I don’t give a shit about his name. He’s stealing my Hannah Bananas heart.” He grabbed her haphazardly. “Ew, don’t call me that!” Alex pressed Hannahs’s arms to her sides, but she managed to wiggle Alex off. His phone was buzzing continually in his pocket. His expression soured after he checked it, it was his dad again. 

“Ugh FML!” His back slamming into the lockers, he had been shoved rather violently by none other than Bryce Walker. “Don’t worry, kid. I will.” He said menacingly. They had all been preoccupied, pissing themselves with laughter to notice Brcyes and his posse walking by them. Alex rubbed his arm, Justin winked at him and flipped him off. Alex returned the finger.   
Hannah bit her bottom lip anxiously, averting her eyes, staring down at her shoes instead of looking at the boy who had ruined her reputation with just the press of a button. Justin looked back as he walked away, his eyes softened he looked almost sad, but then he smiled gently. He had a perfect smile. It could probably turn you to stone if you watched it too long, it was the kind of smile that made everyone fall in love with him. “Hannah?” Alex and Jessica said, concerned. “Alright, Monet’s it is since clear our Hannah banana needs intervention for this Frolley kid.” 

He looked at the group of jocks who were outside piling into Zach’s car; his birthday hadn’t been too long ago, so he was a sixteen while the rest of his friends were fifteen. “It’s Foley!” Hannah said. 

The girls talked mindlessly for a while Alex’s eyes fixed on the silver convertible, Justin saw him. He was wearing sunglasses now, he raised them. Justin looked Alex right in the eyes and pointed back to Bryce who wasn’t watching. Then he made a slicing motion against his neck. Alex gulped, Justin put his sunglasses back on, the car started driving away but not before Justin was able to shoot Alex a finger gun. Alex’s pocket was buzzing again. 

“Oh my fucking god shut up!” he switched his phone off. “Your dad?” Jess asked, shocked, Alex nodded. “Again?” Hannah gasped. “Yeah, he’s really taking the whole law and order thing to an extreme.” He started putting his jacket on, “Yo, can we get out of here? I’ve had my daily dose of liberty high, and if I’m here any longer, I’m gonna like combust or something.” Jess closed her locker, which she had been rummaging through looking for her jacket. “Yes, please, Han?” Jess said, also wearing her coat now they looked at Hannah expectantly. She smiled at them, but they could tell that in her head, she was miles away. “Yeah, ok, let’s go.” Hanah pushed herself off of the lockers and locked arms with her friends. 

“Wizard of oz style, seriously?” Alex said, the corners of his mouth dropping and eyebrows knotting together. “Don’t be jealous just because you’re the scarecrow.” Hannah tightened her grip on the blonde boy. “What are you laughing at, Jess? Damn tin man!” Jess gawked. Hannah looked pleased. “Well, Hannah is for sure the cowardly lion!” The dark-skinned girl said defiantly. “Who’s Dorothy then? Alex adjusted his piercing. “Mmmh Clay,” Hannah said dreamily, which quickly turned into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

It didn’t take long to get to Monet’s once they stopped linking arms as they couldn’t walk to step without tripping over each other or cursing because someone was pulling them in an unforeseen direction. 

It was ridiculously cold that day, so the thought of the wooden interior, tinted windows, and hot chocolate, or whatever the hell Alex was drinking brought solace to them all. Skye was working today, which made Jessica smile because Skye always put way too much whip cream on their hot chocolate, and that happened to be Jess’s favorite part. They sat at their usual table and rid themselves of their hats and jackets. Alex took off his glasses and laid his face on the table, “I am so mega-fucked.” He grumbled, Jess put her hand on his back and rubbed it up and down. Hannah was oddly silent throughout this encounter. “I mean…” She finally said Alex lifted his head. “It’s kind of your fault, you know?” She crossed her arms and looked off to the side. “What the hell?” Alex asked, confused as all get out. Jess silently asked what she was talking about. “I mean, you were a dick to him,” she rolled her eyes.  
“Because I was defending myself.”  
“But now they’re targeting us!”  
“Sorry, I defended myself by being a dick to the guys who are like the biggest dicks in the entire universe.” Alex couldn’t believe it; it was like she was defending Bryce fucking Walker.  
“Guys stop fighting-” Jess tried to interject.  
“Shut up, Jess!” Alex hissed at her, she took her hand off of him and sat back in her chair, she looked hurt.  
“Oh, Jess, I’m really sorry.” He reached out to touch her shoulder. She flinched away from his hand.  
“Look what you did, Alex! And you’re not a dick? Yeah, right.” Hannah instantly regretted her words.

“You’re right. I am a dick, but you know people can’t just say that shit, not when it could get back to my dad, he’d kill me, but if you’re worried about them messing with you, then I won’t make fun of them anymore. I’m sorry.” He was sincere but wasn’t sure if he could be nice, or hell even just ignore “The douchebag brigade.”

“No, I’m sorry. You were in the right, you just didn’t have to take it so far.” She rubbed the back of her neck. Jess finally looked up.  
“She’s right, you know? You did take it kind of far.” They looked at her with a look of playful accusation.  
“What?! How?!” He threw his hand in the air.  
“Alex, you spat on his shoes and said he was into piss and feet.” Jess reminded him, he scoffed.

“You also said that you got triple the pussy.” He blushed, hard, and realized just how weird he had been. “Gross word choice btw,” Jess said, sipping her hot chocolate which had been delivered with scathing looks from Skye as they argued. “God, I am a dick.” He raised his eyebrows to stretch his eyes open, then shook his head and returned his glasses to his face. Now with proper vision, he could see the monstrous pile of chocolate, whip cream, and sprinkles that sat in front of him. “What the hell did I order?” Hannah grabbed the menu off the table, “Let’s find out, shall we?...” She said as she scanned it for the disgusting characteristics. “Ah, here it is,” she victoriously announced, putting the menu down so they could all see. “It’s called The devil’s coma?”

“S’pose so.” Hannah sipped at her simple hot chocolate with rainbow sprinkles and whip cream. Jess followed suit. Alex unwrapped a straw and stuck it into the amalgamation of sugar that would surely be on the top ten reasons he died at age twenty-five. He sipped cautiously, his eyes widened. “Holy motherfucking shit, dude! That is baller!” He dove in for another gulp. Skye eyed him harshly. He raised a hand in apology. He coughed as if he was taking a drag from his first cigarette. “Oh my god, Jess!” He looked at her fire behind his eyes, which she thought was for sure a sugar high.

“You have to try this! It’s insane, and you would think it would be way too much, but I literally do not care if I throw up in two minutes, I would eat that throw-up.” Jess made a face that showed she was not interested, “No thanks lex, think I’ll just stick to my hot chocolate.” Hannah looked at him and shrugged, pushing her drink aside. “I’ll try, if it’s good enough to eat your puke then it’s probably ok, right?” He nodded enthusiastically and pushed it towards her. She licked her lips and then sipped. She looked at him, and he nodded knowingly, she looked at Jess the same sugar-fueled look in her eyes. “Jess holy shit, you have to try this!” Hannah was bouncing up and down in her seat as she took another large sip. “Is it actually good, or are you guys messing with me?” Jess was hesitant. She had never had anything else at Monet's other than her beloved hot chocolate. “Jess look at me,” Hannah stared thoughtfully into Jess’s eyes somewhere, a forgotten Alex muttered. “Are you guys gonna kiss” they ignored him. “If I could marry but one beverage, it would be this one, and Jess, we would make beautiful babies together!”

Hannah put her hand on Jessica’s shoulder and pushed the godly drink towards her. She looked at both of them and slowly sipped, she coughed loudly. “Jesus, what is in this coke?” Knowing Skye, that was a possibility. Alex unwrapped two more straws, understanding the plan Jess, pushed the deliciously putrid concoction to the center of the table, Alex shoved the straws into the drink, and they slurped it down quickly, “Another?” he looked around at his female friends. 

They looked at each other and nodded. Alex ran over to the counter and was so excited that while he waited for his drink, he danced to the Abba that was playing through the speakers. “Yeah! I’ve been broken-hearted, loose since the day we parted!” they heard him singing to himself. The girls looked at each other and snickered uncontrollably, they had never seen him that happy or at least that energetic. 

It wasn’t long after they finished the second mound of diabetes that they started to come down from the sugar high, Alex completely crashed and laid his head back down on the table and cursed the foul creature that had made this drink.

As Alex muttered to himself, the girls started talking about what they had initially come here to talk about. “So Justin Foley, what do this bozo and I have to do to get you to stop wallowing and just get with helmet?” Jessica cleaned her mouth with a paper napkin. “I mean, I don’t know…” Hannah had always been shy, talking about stuff like crushes made her more than a little uncomfortable and talking about the whole picture incident made her even more nervous. 

Jess tried to shift the conversation to Clay, “Clay is cute, how long until you too start tongue wrestling?” Jessica said, raising her eyebrows, suggestively Hannah’s mouth gaped open, she slapped Jess’s wrist. “Oh my god, Jess gross, he’s never even indicated that he likes me at all.”   
“Are you serious he’s practically in love with you.” Jess spat. “Well, I wish he’d show it at least with Justin. He actually tried to like ‘woo’ me ya know,” Alex was listening begrudgingly. “Justine Frankfurt is not nice. He is a dickhead.” Hannah shoved him. “You know his name, loser.” Jess protested. Alex sighed. “Well, even if he is at least he’s one of the nicest guys on the football team.”  
“That’s like being the tallest dwarf.”  
“Don’t quote Heathers at me.”  
“Ugh, whatever justice forkface is stupid can’t we talk about something else-” He gasped suddenly face to face with none other than Justin Foley. “Oh come on Alan, you aren’t even trying anymore,” Justin said smugly, hands in his varsity jacket. “It’s Alex…” Justin made a face, an are-you-fucking-serious? Face. “I’m ignoring you now.”   
He said he walked up the steps and over to Hannah, who was silently freaking out, clutching Jess’s hand as hard as she could. 

“ow,” Jess said softly. “Come here a lot? I’ve never been here.” He said, biting his bottom lip. “Yeah, that’s kind of the point,” Alex muttered. “Still ignoring you.” he chuckled, Hannah kicked him under the table. “So listen, Hannah,” he grabbed the back of his neck. “Sorry about… well, you know what I’m sorry about. ” 

His hand was on the table. He was leaning his weight on it, Alex noticed this and kneed the table causing Justin to lose his balance and wobble backward. “Okay, man, what is your problem?” He asked. Alex ignored him. 

“Hannah, aren’t you working tonight?” Alex asked, he still thought Justin was a twat even if he had apologized, which he hadn’t, not really. “Yeah,” she said, trying her best to avoid Justin’s gaze, or maybe Alex thought, trying to suppress the urge to slap him in the face. “I think you should make your move.” Alex wiggled his eyebrows, Justin still stood near them, now an outsider. “Oh! Yes!” Jess agreed heartily, “How do you know he even likes me?”  
“Hannah,” He looked over at her and shrugged. “It’s Clay; he all but drools every time you’re near him,” Hannah knew if Clay was here to hear what Alex said he would feel incredibly embarrassed Hannah loved the way Clay looked when he was embarrassed. Jess sipped her hot chocolate.

“So…” Justin said, “I’m gonna go,” Alex broke his eye contact with Hannah to look up at him “Oh, you’re still here?” Justin flipped him off. “Hannah,” Justin said, placing a hand on her shoulder, “If you ever want to meet up again, I’m just letting you know I’d be so down.”  
“Uh...” Hannah was visibly shaking. Alex hated Justin. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone? It was okay if he fucked with Alex, but not Hannah, she didn’t deserve any of this.

“Jess, a little help here?” Alex said, clearly frustrated. Jess swallowed her drink hard.  
“Um, Justin? No offense, but you’re kind of a prick, and Hannah is only nice to you because she’s too shy to tell you fuck off like Alex.” Justin looked down at his hand to see Hannah quivering anxiously under it; he realized that it was his fault and quickly retracted his hand and stuffed it into his varsity jacket. “Hannah…” He looked like he might apologize or say something meaningful but he didn’t, he just sighed deeply and then left. 

Alex heard the bell above the door ring as Justin left; it seemed distant. Hannah was crying, no, not crying. She was sobbing a miserable sob. Jess was wearing completely different clothing it was a party dress, “Alex-” She hiccuped drunkenly, “What’s wrong?” she was holding a bottle of vodka in her hand her hair was matted and her makeup was running off her face from the sheer amount of sweat. He looked around suddenly their beloved table was sitting in the Bakers bathroom, water was all over the ground, something red ran with the pseudo current Alex felt a terrible knot begin to form in his stomach. The words of the infamous list scrawled across the walls in just the way they had looked on the page. 

“Alex Standall, you caused the hurricane.” Hannahs’s voice was muffled and scratchy it sounded like recording only it was coming out of her mouth the words he could never forget, they played in his mind at all times. Alex started to cry. The girls looked at each other than at Alex and reached their hands over to him, Hannahs’s arm was bleeding profusely blood spilling onto the table covering it in the thick liquid, he wanted to throw up, Jess’s wrist was bruised with a handprint that only made his stomach turn more he knew just who that bruise belonged to. 

They grabbed his hands comfortingly. “Oh, Alex,” Hannah said. “It’s all your fault.” she slipped away into the rapidly rising water he wanted to call after her, but when he opened his mouth to say something, nothing came out. In a moment, she was gone, and he could never get her back. Somewhere far off, he could hear Hannahs’s mother calling out to her.

“Alex, she’s right ya know,” Jessica slipped away into the water, he could hear someone banging on a door desperately, he couldn’t stop crying, he put his hands up to his head, but something felt wrong he pulled his hands off his eyes and looked down they were covered in blood, his blood. Alex was holding a gun. He tried to drop it, but he couldn’t, it was glued to his hand like no matter what it would be there. The water below him rose higher and higher, Alex tried his best to escape it but he just couldn’t he felt the pressure of the water filling him he didn’t want to hurt anymore, he didn’t want to feel guilty anymore and at that moment he knew he’d drown so he did the only thing he could. He raised the gun to his head and shot himself as he bled out he sunk deeper into the water there was nothing he didn’t mind it.

He woke up to Skye shaking him, “Hey Alex, are you okay?” Alex shook his head, he wanted to comment on how rich that was coming from her. “Do you want to talk about it?” But then he was instantly reminded of how genuinely nice she was even if she didn’t always seem it to the naked eye. “I’m fine, just not sleeping great.” She hugged him. It was weird, Skye seemed like she didn’t hug that many people and the only person Alex hugged was his mom. She let go and left without saying a word. He could see on her face that she had found the interaction just as weird. Alex remembered his nightmare and tried to track where the memory stopped and the horrid dream began, It didn’t take as long as he thought it would. The memory had ended with them talking about Clay while Alex lied on the table regretting the sugary drink. The dream had started when Justin came in to apologize, Alex should have figured. Justin fuck-over-your-friends Foley didn’t apologize maybe if he had… Alex shook his head; he didn’t want to think that, he knew it wasn’t Justin’s fault. It was his, it was all his fault, Hannah said it herself he had caused the hurricane, hurricane Hannah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh Alex is trippin'


	4. A Mirror Called Xanax.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So there he was sitting on his bed regretting ever being born and one hundred percent ready to jump off a bridge if it meant not to go to this stupid party. Nevertheless, when the clock read 7:30 pm, there was nothing he could do but get ready.
> 
> After devouring two more beers, he decided he was done with being inside and waiting for Zach to come to find him, guess he abandoned me, whatever. He grabbed a forty off the counter and headed outside. 
> 
> Alex goes to a party at Bryce's and some shit happens. Justin is nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! this is pretty much where the real story starts.  
> Comments and kudos making it so much easier to keep going <3 <3

Alex sat alone in his room; he was trying his best not to think. Zach had told him earlier at lunch that he thinks too much Alex at the time protested, but he knew Zach was right. He did think too much about Hannah, the list, Jess, his dad, Justin. 

Justin feel-nothing Foley plagued his thoughts at nearly all times, he hated Justin,  _ how could he just shrug it off?  _ This thought was the most common right behind it was  _ Why is he lying to her?  _ Justin knew it was true what Hannah had said, and so did everyone else. Sure Hannah left some stuff out but she hadn’t really lied about anything. At least she hadn’t lied about Alex, not about Jess and him, not about how he broke up their group for basically no reason other than to have sex with Jess (Which never even happened) and not about that list.

That stupid motherfucking list, Alex wished he hadn’t agreed to put something on it, it wasn’t even meant to be that serious, he was mad at Jess, and he put down the only two female names he knew. Alex considered maybe the fact that maybe since no one took it seriously that that’s what made it so bad. Like nobody had even considered their feelings, was that it?

Alex had failed at his mission to not think too much. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He glanced over at the clock that sat on his bedside table.  _ 7:30 pm,  _ it read.  _ Great,  _ he thought  _ I have to go to that fucking party.  _ He didn’t really want to go, but Zach had begged him to.

“Come on man, you have to come,” Zach said as they were getting dressed in the locker room. “I dunno Zach parties aren’t really my thing…” Alex pulled his shirt over his head. “Please! Monty and Bryce are acting like even bigger assholes than normal, and I don’t really want to watch them make out with girls for two hours.” 

Zach had finished getting dressed and had was sitting on the bench, holding his backpack. “What about Justin?” Alex didn’t know why Zach Dempsey, star of the basketball team, was asking Alex Standall band nerd to go to a party with him, Bryce’s party of all things. “I haven’t seen him since Tuesday.” Alex rolled his eyes,  _ of fucking course Justin is AWOL. _ He sighed deeply. “Still, I don’t know I have homework, and if I’m out too late, my dad will kill me.”

They picked up their bags and exited the locker room, emerging into the bustling hallway. “Pretty please.” Zach smiled his ridiculous grin that was just filled with innocence. “Ugh fine,” Zach raised his arms in victory. “If I go will you promise not to abandon me?” Alex mainly hated parties because 1. They were always way too hot 2.everyone was always really drunk and 3. because he didn’t really know anyone—especially no one who would be at Bryce Walker’s party. 

Zach agreed, and that was that. Alex typically would have just blown him off saying he got one of his stomach things or that his dad had banned him from leaving the house, but recently Alex was trying to keep promises.

So there he was sitting on his bed regretting ever being born and one hundred percent ready to jump off a bridge if it meant not to go to this stupid party. Nevertheless, when the clock read _ 7:30 pm,  _ there was nothing he could do but get ready.

He threw on black jeans, of course, and his Velvet Underground tee shirt that had the famous Andy Warhol banana on it, he cuffed the sleeves and laced up his black converse. He wore contacts since the last time he went to a party with glasses on it had cost him a hundred buck to get them fixed. He elected to keep his nose ring in. He didn’t wear a cardigan because if he was going to be at a party he didn’t want to be at he wasn’t going to die of heatstroke.

He examined himself in the mirror, and the guilt set in,  _ how could you do this to Hannah?  _ It felt as if he was filled with rocks, the burden of the knowledge weighed him down more and more, adding a pebble to his intestines each time he did something shitty. 

A part of him wanted to believe that the tapes had been nothing but a lie that Hannah was just looking for attention, and she wanted everyone else to feel like crap. _ No, Hannah wouldn’t do that _ , plus everything she said about him was true, and he could see in everyone’s eyes when they met that everything she had said about them was true.

_ Honk! Honk!  _ The blaring sound of a horn broke his train of thought and brought him hurling back to reality. It was Zach who Alex realized as he picked up his phone had texted him that he was almost to his house. Before stuffing it into his pocket, he texted a cheeky “indeed.” 

He turned out the lights to his room and ran down the stairs trying his best to avoid his parents who were watching some true-crime show in the living room, Alex wished he could just stay there and watch the program that was undoubtedly about child murder.

“Have fun kiddo,” his dad called to him as Alex was walking out the door. “Be back before the a.m” Alex picked his black faux denim jacket off of the hook, grabbed his house key off the table and locked the door. “Yes sir.” He shut it and walked quickly to Zach’s car that was stopped on the side of the road. He shoved the key into his back pocket and leaned into the open passenger window. “I can’t believe you talked me into this.” he sighed. “Just get in, Standall.” Alex climbed into the car and braced himself for a terrible night of standing in a corner drinking cheap beer.

By the time they got there over two hundred people must have been there, and most of them were already high or drunk. Zach told Alex to get out while he found somewhere to park his car. Alex frowned and begrudgingly got out and dragged himself to the front door. When he walked in he was greeted. With an uproar of people saying his name.  _ Wow, they are all very drunk I only know like one of these people _ , But from past experience, this was pretty normal drunk people find everything exciting even his depressing arrival.

He shut the door and was immediately greeted by the warmth radiating off the party.  _ Awesome _ , in the two minutes, he had been here already every reason he hated parties had been shoved in his face. Regardless he decided that he was going to be here for another few hours anyway, so might as well try to have fun. He shrugged and pushed past the hoard of bearly coherent conversationalists shouting to each other and girls who were trying desperately to remember the words to the Taylor Swift song that was surrounding the party, Alex didn’t know what song it was he just knew it was annoying and that the radio played it way too much. He finally reached the kitchen, which on arrival Alex decided immediately that it was too big for a family of three.

After shooing a rather smitten couple off the fridge, he reached in and grabbed a beer out of the fridge which didn’t taste as cheap as he expected it too. He leaned against the counter and inhaled his beer. He looked out the kitchen window towards the pool and the pool house. He didn’t see Justin, but then again the pool house was dark so maybe he was sleeping. For Alex, it would have been impossible. Still, the one or two times Alex had stayed at the pool house overnight he had learned that Justin could sleep through anything so Justin being in the darkened shack was a definite possibility.

After devouring two more beers, he decided he was done with being inside and waiting for Zach to come to find him,  _ guess he abandoned me, whatever _ . He grabbed a forty off the counter and headed outside. 

He usually would end up outside at parties since it tended to be a little more bearable. Out here, there was different music on a smaller speaker rather than the wall of sound inside. A couple of people were in the shallow end of the pool and few in the hot tub one guy was passed out in a pool chair.  _ It’s a little early for that isn’t it _ , Alex thought to himself as he still had yet to say anyone who looked even remotely familiar.

He set the forty down beside the deep end and rid himself of his shoes and socks. He rolled his pants up slightly, hoping he didn’t look too much like a Dickens character. He dropped down and absent-mindedly kicked his feet in the lukewarm water. He took a large swig of his drink as some guy in the pool eyed him, Alex flipped him off and layed back. 

He was like that for a while, only getting up to retrieve a second massive beer, that is until he heard the kitchen door open. “Fuck! Told you, dude, it’s so much cooler out here.” He was greeted with the one voice he really did not want to hear tonight, Bryce’s. “Damn you’re right.” And there was Zach. “Oh, there’s Standall. Knew he’d be out here.” Okay, some may be Zach hadn’t actually abandoned him so much as lost him, wait, why did Bryce know he’d be out here? Whatever, Bryce simultaneously knew everything and nothing.

Alex hoisted himself up on his elbows and waved a drunken hand at Zach who was joined by Bryce, Monty, and Marcus, who was still wearing his coat, so Alex figured he probably just got here. “Hey, man! I was looking for you.” Zach walked over to him, laughing slightly as he saw the empty forty and the half-empty one in Alex’s hand. 

Alex sat up fully now as Zach sat down next to him. “Having a good time?” He motioned to the alcohol. “You know what Dempsey? I am.” Zach bumped their shoulders together. “See? I told you it’s no so bad being social instead of being cooped up with your mom like Norman Bates.”

Alex raised his brows in confusion. “A Pyscho reference? That’s kind of a weird one for you to make.” Alex didn’t know about Zach’s summer sexcapade with Hannah, so Zach shrugged and gave him a simple “I dunno man you’re really drunk, though.” Alex was, and he was also too drunk to realize that that response didn’t make any sense.

Behind them, Marcus, Monty, and Bryce had switched the music from chill to this-music-makes-you-more-wired-than-Adderall. It was some rapper with a name Alex couldn’t pronounce. Was it 6969 or was it XXXtentacleboy Alex didn’t know and didn’t care. He stood up, knocking over the empty bottles around him. “Where do you think you’re going, Standall?” Bryce questioned him. Alex fought back an urge to punch him in the face. He pointed half-heartedly at the house. “Gettin’ some more.” His words were slurred. The boys laughed slightly. 

“Here try this,” Bryce handed him a solo cup. “What is it?” He mumbled, looking into the cup as if that would help him decern the ingredients. “It’s a screwdriver.” He said it as if Alex should know that already. “Which is?” He could feel them growing impatient.

“It’s orange juice and vodka Standall now will you just drink it?” He shrugged. That didn’t sound so bad he downed the whole thing judging by the looks on the group’s faces that wasn’t how one normally consumed this drink. “Oh, also, there’s a Xanax in there.” Bryce, Monty, and Marcus Laughed but Zach looked pissed. 

“What the fuck, Bryce? His dad’s a cop if he goes home high he’s gonna get fucking killed.” It was true, but Alex hadn’t yet processed that he had just been drugged by Bryce Fucking Walker. “Oops,” Bryce said, already fixing another. “Wait, what just happened?” Alex was admittedly confused as to what everyone was fighting about. 

“Oh nothing Alex,” Zach stood up of the ground. “Bryce just fucking roofied you.” Bryce looked shocked. “Zach, buddy calm down, it’s a Xanax, not a roofie. I have no interest in roofieing Standall, have you seen his boney ass?” With that, Zach walked over to Bryce and twisted his shirt up in his hand. “Woah Zachy come on now,” Bryce said clearly scared. 

“Hey, man,” Alex finally spoke. Zach looked back at him. “It’s-it’s fine. You’re the one who said I needed to loosen up a bit, right?” Bryce had managed to escape Zach’s grasp. “Yeah, Dempsey, listen to your boyfriend.” Zach was apparently ignoring him. “Are you okay? I can take you home or back to my house if you don’t want your dad to find out-” Alex grabbed the disturbing concoction out of Bryce’s hand and downed it. “No, Zach, I’m fine.” Alex lied. He was most definitely not fine.

Everything around them unfroze, and they all went back to what they were doing, Zach seemed angry but didn’t want to let Alex out of his sight. He sat on one of the pool chairs, hands clasped, nursing a beer, and watching Alex like a hawk. Alex knew he was there but didn’t acknowledge him. Alex was mindlessly chatting with some girl about some guy who was apparently a douchebag. He heard a knock and walked away from the girl who was now crying and over to the gate, he opened it and was greeted by a pizza delivery man.  _ Isn’t it a little late to be ordering pizza? _ He thought, pulling out his phone. It was only 8:50. How had he only been here for an hour and a half? Not matter, even if it hadn’t been long lamenting about was going to give him the power to speed up time. “Bryce! Your pizza is here!” He yelled, leaving the gate open and walking away. He stumbled. Zach stood up as if he would run to catch him if he fell. “Are you sure you don’t want to go home, Alex?” He called to him. “Dempsey, would you get off my dick? go find some girl to stick your tongue in.” He sounded distant but annoyed. “Fuck yeah, Standall! He’s right ya know?” Bryce agreed with him,  _ ew. _

Bryce paid for the food and put it down on the glass table near the pool. Alex saw some guy smoking weed and figured  _ Hey, why not?  _ He walked over and held out his hand. The smokers laughed and handed him the joint. He took a long drag and handed it to some dude who looked like the picture you’d find in the dictionary if you looked up the word ‘stoner’. He realized his feet were still bare, and his jeans were still rolled up, so he stuck his feet back in the pool and continued smoking with the strangers.

Suddenly he looked over to the hot tub he saw some girls hand in the air, but her head was underwater. Alex shakily stood up and walked over curiously. She looked like she was struggling. The people around her weren’t doing anything. Alex peered into the water and was greeted with what deep down he knew he would see. 

It was Hannah; there she was blood pouring out. Somewhere he heard a song he knew it was St. vincent. It was one of his favorites,  _ Fast Slow Disco.  _ Hannah was losing air, and no one noticed no one, but Alex, he wanted to scream or yell he wanted to dive into the darkness and save her. Still, he couldn’t. Alex just watched her. She was calling for help. He couldn’t do anything, he was useless he was trying so incredibly hard to move but he just couldn’t. His brain wasn’t communicating with his muscles she slipped away impossibly far away she was gone, again. “No! No! No!” He yelled all eyes suddenly on him he stumbled back and bumped into something solid it was Bryce. “You ok, Standall? Too much Xan?” He felt something wet run over his lip it was blood, was he in another fucking dream?

No, he couldn’t be this was unfortunately real. He touched his hand to his lip and followed the stream of blood to his nose.  _ Great, a fucking nose bleed, could I be any more of a loser. _ “Yeah I-I just and she- she was- I thought she was going to drown- but I didn’t and then-”

“Woah Alex chill.” Bryce put his hand on his shoulder.  _ Get off, get off, get off.  _ He screamed internally. “It just the drugs. No one was drowning.” Was Bryce fucking-rapist Walker seriously trying to comfort him? “I’m fine,” he said, defiantly wiping his nose. “Get the fuck off of me.”

“Okay, buddy I was just trying to help.”

“Well, you aren’t.”

“Hey, whatever man, if you wanna have a bad trip, that’s your prerogative.”

“Go fuck yourself, Bryce.” Alex walked drunkenly away until he reached the circle he had previously been sitting in with the unknown stoners.

“Okay man,” Bryce laughed at him and resumed chatting up his buddies.

Alex lied down next to the guy who he had previously thought of as the definition of druggie and smoked with him. They were already on a new joint which didn’t surprise Alex it was probably all they knew how to do, what did surprise him that in the two hours he had been here he had had three beers, two forties, a Xanax or was it two? Two screwdrivers and a joint. For someone who hated partying, Alex was pretty damn good at it. 

He looked at the few stars he could see. He wished that Hannah and Jess were here lying next to him instead of this random guy. He wished that they had stopped him from being so stupid. They always did look out for him, and how had he repaid them? By being an asshole and making fun of them behind their backs with people, he wasn’t even sure he liked. No that’s not true, he was sure he liked Zach, he was a good guy, he didn’t deserve to be on the tapes and Zach made him feel like he wasn’t some huge waste of space. Marcus wasn’t so bad. He had been a dick to Hannah and didn’t really seem to care about much other than having a good reputation.

Monty was a fucking piece of human garbage, and really did not like Alex. Bryce was out of the question no way did he like that monster in any capacity even microscopic. Justin foley, though, Justin foley was a compelling case because he was worse than Marcus and Zach for sure but not as bad as Monty and Bryce. He should have been, but he wasn’t. 

He actually seemed like he at least liked Hannah before he fucked her over, and he definitely did love jess, but he had done some shitty stuff. However, being a cop’s kid has some odd perks like knowing whose been busted for drinking or in Justin’s case, knowing who had the cops called to their house numerous times for disturbing their neighbors. Alex had seen the bruises he thought Bryce probably knew about it but didn’t really seem to care. The others were totally oblivious, Alex would have been too if he didn’t know to look for the scratch marks, bruises, and small winces Justin gave off when someone punched him in the shoulder or if Jess hugged him too tightly. 

So Alex had an unfortunate soft spot for Justin, he really didn’t want to like him, or hell even cares about him, but he did. He asked when no else was around if Justin was okay and made sure not to talk too much about his home life around him. 

Speak of the devil...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex be on dem drugs. Zach be on dat anger. Bryce be on being a piece of shit


	5. It's Better High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, Standall! Long time no see.” Justin tried his best to sound friendly he wanted to be nice just in case. “Oh hey, Foley, the fuck do you want?” Not that Alex was going to make being nice easy on him. “Nothing just um,” He sipped his drink fully prepared for the worst for Alex to yell or try to kill him or Bryce or…himself. “What happened with Bryce? Zach is totally freaked out he’s watching you like he hasn’t eaten in years.” Alex grabbed the joint from the stranger’s hand and took a drag. 
> 
> “Nothing man, Bryce just slipped a Xanax into my drink.” Alex sounded so innocent but Justin was freaking out. You never take Xanax with alcohol. “Bryce, did you give Standall a Xanax?” Bryce pulled out a bag of pills from his pocket. “Must have been two cause that’s how many I’m out.” Justin looked to Alex for confirmation. “Bryce, are you a fucking moron can’t you see he’s like zoning out completely?” 
> 
> Justin finds Alex tripping and knowing what some of that stuff can do t you freaks out with the help of Zach they take him back to the pool house to make him throw up, while Zach is gone Alex makes a surprising confession o Justin, who really should have seen in it sooner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally getting the beginning of not hating each other.  
> Comments and Kudos always make it so much easier to continue <3<3

Justin woke up in Bryce’s pool house, that was normal but wasn’t normal was the sound of someone telling Bryce to fuck off. He stood up and stretched. He walked over to the window, tripping over his bag in the dark.  _ Of fucking course it’s Standall.  _ He thought as he watched the bleach blonde boy walk away, he didn’t know what he expected pretty much no one, but Alex could tell Bryce to fuck off in front of Monty and live. Justin knew Bryce only kept him around because he thought it was funny to mess with him and try to get him in trouble with his dad, he worried though sometimes to what extent Bryce was willing to go for that to happen.

He left the window and retrieved some clothes out of his bag, walking quickly over to the bathroom. He locked the door and flipped on the light. He let his hand relax and his clothes dropped to the floor. Quickly he washed his face and brushed his teeth. He took a moment to look at himself in the mirror. It was like a trainwreck; he just couldn’t look away.  _ You are such a piece of shit. _ He wanted to cry. His upper lip quivered slightly, and tears were starting to gather at the corners of his eyes. It wasn’t a sad cry. It was filled with rage.  _ How could you do that? To Hannah? To Jess? You don’t deserve to be anything you worthless piece of human garbage- _ He was interrupted when he felt a pain in his hand, he had punched the wall. He retracted his hand. He shook it to alleviate some of the pain. He breathed in, and then slowly, he breathed out.

As bruises started to form on his knuckles, he pulled on his jeans, a tee-shirt, and an undone button-up, which was the unofficial uniform of the entire football team. He turned on the pool house lights and found his shoes next to the couch, he laced them up as he braced himself for a party he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be at.

“Justy! So glad you could finally join us.” Bryce said, walking over to bro-hug him. “Yeah man, glad to be here.” But was he? He would be once he got a hold of some liquor. They walked back over to the white fold-out table that was covered in various alcohols and bags of things that were illegal. Bryce made him a screwdriver, a real one. “Yo, what happened with Standall I heard yelling.” Bryce looked back at the gaggle of boys, Zach was listening angrily. “Ah, nothing man just Standall being Standall” At the Zach looked up from the ground and called over to them. “Bryce, you fucking drugged him!” Bryce rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Justin. “Justin, I can see the wheels inside your head-turning. What’s going on?” 

_ Bryce hadn’t- not with Alex, right? He wouldn’t do that, right? Not Alex too. Was he working his way through that entire group or something? But he’s straight; he wouldn’t. Does that matter? _ “Oh, nothing just what the fuck are we listening too.” Justin grimaced at the Bluetooth speaker which was blaring mumble rap. “Maybe if you had woken up earlier, you would’ve heard that we were playing some of that chick you like so much. Uh… St Vanessa?” Bryce asked. “St Vincent.” Justin mindlessly corrected as he picked up Bryce’s phone to change the music. “That’s a weird-ass name.” He jabbed before turning his attention back to Monty and Marcus who were racing to see who could drink their entire beer first, a common practice here.

Justin scrolled through Bryce’s playlists, they were all shit so he searched his account and put on one of his. It started with R.E.M’s  _ hit losing my religion. _ He knew Alex liked this song and was hoping to find him using it. It worked as Alex sat up once he heard the song start playing. Justin picked up his drink and walked over to the grass where Alex was sitting with some random dude.

“Hey, Standall! Long time no see.” Justin tried his best to sound friendly. He wanted to be nice just in case. “Oh, hey, Foley, the fuck do you want?” Not that Alex was going to make being nice easy on him. “Nothing just um,” He sipped his drink fully prepared for the worst for Alex to yell or try to kill him or Bryce or…himself. “What happened with Bryce? Zach is totally freaked out. He’s watching you like he hasn’t eaten in years.” Alex grabbed the joint from the stranger’s hand and took a drag. 

“Nothing, man, Bryce just slipped a Xanax into my drink.” Alex sounded so innocent, but Justin was freaking out. You never take Xanax with alcohol. “Bryce, did you give Standall a Xanax?” Bryce pulled out a bag of pills from his pocket. “Must have been two cause that’s how many I’m out.” Justin looked to Alex for confirmation. “Bryce, are you a fucking moron? Can’t you see he’s like zoning out completely?” it was true. Alex looked tethered to reality by a thread. He rocked gently back and forth, his vision was getting blurry, and he suddenly became very aware of his heartbeat. 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Justin said frantically. “Alex?” Justin snapped his fingers in Alex’s face, barely eliciting a response from the boy. “Hmm?” Alex said distantly. He danced to the music every so slightly. “Zach, come here!” He motioned for Zach, who jogged over. “What’s up?” Zach asked. Justin squatted down so he could be eye level with Alex. Justin shook his head. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?” Zach asked frantically, “Zach, do you know how much he’s had to drink?” Zach bit his lip, trying to remember. “Well, he’s had at least two forties, two screwdrivers, and he usually drinks a beer when he first gets to these kinds of parties.” Alex smiled crookedly, “Awww Zachy so sweet you know my alcohol intake.” Alex’s words slurred to the point where he was barely coherent. “Fuck, alright, we have to make him throw up,” Justin said as he repositioned to be able to pick Alex up. “Wait. Why? Justin, you aren’t explaining anything.” Justin dropped Alex’s arm, which had been resting on his shoulder lazily. “Zach, do you know anything about Xanax?” Zach shook his head. “Well it’s mainly for panic attacks so it slows your heart rate, most people  _ with _ prescriptions only take a half and since he decided to drink like he’s the mop in a dive bar he could die since liquor also slows your heart, do you get it, Zach? Alex could fucking die now would you please help me get him to the pool house.” 

Zach didn’t say anything, but instead, he moved to help Justin. Together they were able to pick up the thin boy. He wasn’t particularly heavy, not be any means, but he was shutting down so he wasn’t holding any of his body weight. “Where we goin’ guys?” He asked groggily. “To make you puke Standall.” Alex grimaced at Justin’s words.

“That doesn’t sound very fun.” They ignored him. “Aw, what’s wrong, Standall? Can’t handle some Xanax?” Bryce chuckled at Monty’s mockery, “Shut up Monty, none of you even take Xanax, where’d you get it Bryce your mom’s medicine cabinet?” Justin spat his words. Bryce rolled his eyes. “Whatever man, it’s a fucking party just cause he can’t handle his drugs doesn’t mean it’s my fault.” 

Justin’s grip slipped off of Alex as he went to go punch Bryce in his stupid fucking face but when Alex nearly fell, he grasped him tightly. Bryce laughed. “Just go take care of your boyfriend Justy, come back when you’re ready to party.” Justin eyed him angrily. “Hey man, just let it go focus on Alex,” Zach said gently. To be honest, Justin didn’t want to focus on Alex. He still didn’t like him all that much, he was kind of a jackass and was nothing but a sarcastic asshole to Justin, but there was this weird thing about Alex where you could tell that everything he said came from a place of sadness or to shield himself from being hurt. It was fucking depressing and more than once Justin had caught Alex when he was all alone, Alex looked so lost like a kid in the supermarket, stuck in a strange new world with no sense of direction, and too afraid to ask for help. Plus if he let Standall die not only would the universe never forgive him but Jess definitely wouldn’t. He told himself that it was for Jess, but it wasn’t it was for the little kid inside Alex who was scared and broken and couldn’t do anything but cry and hurt himself to cope.

They finally reached the couch and sat the dead weight called Alex Standall down on it. “Okay, what now?” Zach looked over at him. Justin frowned and a slight shiver came over him. He looked at Zach. “We have to make him throw up,” he sighed and looked back to the boy who was seemingly trying to locate his eyebrow so he could scratch it. “You ever made someone throw up before?” It was an empty question Justin knew Zach’s answer would be no but Justin had made someone throw up before, his mom, load of times, and he never got used to it it was always fucking disgusting and he would always end up throwing up himself. “Um, no.” Zach replied in a tone that meant “duh”. Justin breathed deeply. And walked over to the boy who was near death and sat down next to him.

“Go get a bowl or a pot or something,” Justin said Zach walked over to the kitchen and quickly returned with a bowl. 

“Aw man, this is my popcorn bowl.”

“Seriously dude?” Zach pointed towards Alex whose eyes had gone dark.

“Yeah yeah yeah,” He placed the bowl in front of him on the floor. “Okay, Alex don’t freak out okay? I’m going to put my fingers in your mouth have you had anything to eat?”

Alex parted his lips as if he was going to say something but he just giggled and shook his head.

“Zach can you go find him something to eat please? Not that fucking pizza though this drugged up idiot will get more of it on his face than in his stomach.” Justin couldn’t help but make fun of him, again he still didn’t really like Alex but he wasn’t going to let him fucking die. Zach nodded and patted Alex’s shoulder, “Hey Standall, don’t die ok?” Zach exited quickly.

“Okie Dokie Zachy I won’t die since you say so.” God even fucking drugged-up-near-death Alex was sarcastic.

They just sat in silence for a little, until Alex started giggling.

“What?” Justin asked intrigued as to what this moron found funny about any of this.

“It’s just,” He chuckled again but tried to maintain his composure. “Even if I don’t die right now my dad is going to fucking kill me.” He laughed but Justin could tell that on the inside he was miserable.

“Come on man, no he isn’t,” Justin shoved Alex’s shoulder.

“Mmm, maybe not but you don’t even know him,”

“Well,” Justin stopped himself before he said that he had met his dad numerous times when he had showed up to his house after he and Seth had one of their famous screaming matches.

“Oh I mean like you don’t know him not as a cop I know you know him like that he tells me way too much ya know but I don’t care Justin it’s none of my business I’m just saying…”

“You’re damn right it isn’t any of your fucking business.”

“Is that not what I just said, Justin?” He raised his eyebrows accusingly, Justin shrugged.

“Whatever, you know I’m about to have to make you throw up?”

“Yeah, I’m just stalling.”

Justin rolled his eye and shifted his seat on the ground so that he was facing Alex now.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Alex whispered leaning in close to Justin so close that Justin could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Sure man” He tried to keep his tone light.

Alex looked like maybe he regretted even saying that, he just stared into Justin’s eyes and Justin back into his. He was reminded of the first time he had seen them, the light blue was striking and fit Alex just right, Justin missed his glasses he liked the way they framed his face but Alex had been wearing them less and less, behind each of their eyes was so much sadness and regret and  _ guilt. _ Alex always looked kind of scared though, like if he breathed wrong that his whole world would crumble. Justin thought about how each time he saw Alex’s eyes when he smiled how calm he’d feel, Alex, smiling was like winning the lottery, Justin may have been known for his smile but it was cheap and easy to come by Alex’s was rare and it was perfect. 

Justin hadn’t seen him smile in a really long time, it made him hurt. It made him hurt more than he cared to admit. He was back in the moment as he heard Alex breathe a heavy sigh.

“Um, it’s not a big deal or anything, but you know how my dad comes to your house when that guy hits you?” Justin was taken back by the bluntness of his words but nodded.

“What if he,” Alex looked away breaking eye contact Justin didn’t know what came over him but he grabbed Alex’s chin and turned his head back so Alex had to look at him, “What?” He said as softly as he could.

“What if he had sorta kinda done some stuff sorta like that?”

“What do you mean?” Justin said as his heartbeat quickened.

“Um, it just this one time when I was like fourteen or something…” He trailed off as he looked down at Justin’s hand that was still on his chin. Justin noticed and released his chin but instead moved his hand down to Alex’s. 

“It was stupid really, but I knew this kid his name was Taylor or Tyler or something but we were drinking beer in my basement and,” Alex stopped for a moment and started fidgeting with the hair at the nape of his neck. “and he kissed me I didn’t kiss him but it didn’t matter because my dad saw it and Taylor or Tiger or whatever his fucking name was yelled “Get the fuck off of me” And I was confused because I was like you kissed me, man,” Alex’s eyes darted around the room anxiously, Justin squeezed his hand, a knot forming in his stomach. “Yeah?” Alex suddenly remembered that he was telling a story. “But my dad saw, and when that kid left I walked up the basement steps and my dad pushed my back down them and my head hit the wall actually,” He said grabbing Justin’s hand and moving it to the back of his head, “Do you feel that? It’s my stitches.” Justin was all too familiar with the feeling, “And you know that wasn’t that bad but he walked down and I thought he was going to apologize, but he stepped on my hand like really hard then he took my beer off the table and when he walked back to where I was he stepped on my hand again I thought he must be done and that he would help me up but he didn’t he just said “Fucking faggot” And I was in my head like but I didn’t even kiss him and when he got to the top of the stairs and he called down to me, “If I catch you again you are out of this family.” I had to crawl up the stairs. I called my mom and said I had drunkenly fallen, but I hadn’t. He broke my hand it turned out.” Alex was giggling, probably just the drugs, Justin wanted to cry not Alex not  _ his  _ Alex. He didn’t deserve that, The look on Alex’s face told him that he was crying he retracted his hand from Alex’s stitches to wipe his eyes. “I’m sorry,” He said gently.

“Hey it’s okay,” Alex wiped one of his the tears of Justin’s face. “No it’s fucking no Alex your dad hits you!” The anger behind is words was unintentional but oh so painfully real. How did he not see it before, the way Alex never wants to make his dad angry or disappointed, the way he always made sure he was home at what time he had to be “No no he doesn’t, I mean not often just like if I deserve it you know? If I don’t listen to his rules or if I do drugs or something.” Alex seemed so sincere like he thought that it was okay. “Alex there is no good fucking reason for your dad to hurt you like that.” Alex shook his and sighed. “He’s ex-military you know, he just knows that sometimes you have to be a little rough with people to make them follow the rules.” Justin wanted to punch a hole in the wall,  _ fuck this fucking world! _ “He doesn’t even do it that much, at least not recently… he doesn’t have a temper or a drinking problem or anything he just chooses when he should hurt me I guess…” Alex tried to look away, but his words scared Justin.

“You- you know that when- and I am- but you like if I can’t then I guess that’s okay.”  _ Fuck, _ Alex was getting less and less coherent. “Alex I’m sorry and I want to talk to you about this more later but for now I have to stick my finger down you’re throat so just don’t fight me okay.”

Alex nodded and opened his mouth, Justin gripped his jaw firmly and stuck his middle and index finger in, Alex squired and whined under him he reached up and grabbed Justin’s wrist but Justin powered through and got his fingers in as deep as they could go. Alex started gagging as Justin moved them slightly. He grabbed Justin’s wrist tightly not trying to fight him anymore but more for comfort. Alex shuddered under him and Justin pulled his fingers out Justin in time to grab the bowl and watch Alex puke his guts out, it smelled awful but it wasn’t anything Justin wasn’t accustomed to. 

Alex was dry heaving now and this was the worst part, Justin would have to stick his fingers back into Alex bile ridden throat, but Alex could die soon so he did and he frowned hard trying to avoid looking at it. Alex wasn’t fighting at all now he was too tired. They repeated this disgusting routine until Alex was throwing nothing but stomach fluid. Alex looked so tired and Justin figured it was probably safe enough to let him sleep. Alex curled up on the couch and tucked his head into his arm. Justin grabbed the blanket off the back and draped it over the broken boy. He looked at him sadly, how could he think he deserved any of that? Then again how could Justin? After what felt like forever Zach returned carrying a loaf of bread and some orange juice. “God, could you have taken any longer?” Justin said as Zach entered Justin pseudo home. “Sorry man Jess was here but she was super drunk so I drove her home,” Justin grabbed the back of his neck and looked down shamefully. Zach sat the food down on the coffee table. 

“Man it fucking reeks in here,” He cautiously grabbed the bowl full of Alex’s vomit and walked it over to the sink he washed it out quickly and returned it. Justin watched him silently he looked like he wanted to say something. “What? What is it did something happen?” Zach dried his hand on his jeans and rid himself of his varsity jacket and sat down on the ottoman. “So you know when Alex said that his dad was going to kill him if he came home like this? Well, I guess it wasn’t just Alex being Alex. Like his dad might  _ actually _ kill him if he goes home high.”

Zach looked at him and smiled for a second but his smile turned into a frown when he realized what Justin meant. “Oh,” He said softly. “Yeah but don’t tell him I said anything he probably doesn’t even remember telling me.” Zach looked dumbfounded “Should we do something? Like he shouldn’t go back there not tonight at least.” Justin nodded in agreement. “He can stay here I’m sure your mom wouldn’t appreciate him staying at your place either plus she’d probably call him and then he’d really be fucked.” Zach shrugged. “Yeah, yeah here works.”

Justin uncrossed his arms and pushed himself off of the counter he’d been leaning on and walked over he shook Alex gently. “Hey, hey Standall Zachs back he brought you some,” He looked over at the loaf. “Bread.” Alex sat up and rubbed his nose scratching at the dried blood. “Yum…” He said sarcastically. “Do you have anything to put on it?” Justin tried to think but wasn’t sure so he walked over to the cabinet and peered inside to find it sparse. “Um, I have peanut butter, salt, an old ass pickle jar, and… Honey.” Alex perked up.

“Honey and peanut butter please!” he said excitedly and slightly more coherent his voice wrecked from puking.

Justin laughed a little and brought them over grabbing a knife on his way over. He sat them down on the coffee table and motioned for Alex to scoot over he did and Justin plopped himself down, not realizing how tired this whole endeavor had made him. 

“You guys don’t have to stay you know? I can totally make myself puke.” Justin looked at him unimpressed. “How do you do that? By looking in the mirror?” Justin cackled “Oh nice, real mature.” Alex shoved him. Zach was also now sitting on the couch with them. “Alex first of all no you can’t, and second of all his is way more fun than that fucking party no one good is even out there.” Alex looked a little guilty. Zach handed him a sandwich which he devoured and then Justin ate one and then Zach. “I fucking told you guys it’s way fucking better than PB and J.”

After a while, Justin, unfortunately, had to make him puke Zach went to the bathroom in an effort to not throw up himself. It didn’t take long, Justin thought about just how fucking well Alex had handled all this for someone who had been near death a mere half an hour ago was now just chilling eating peanut butter and honey sandwiches, on second thought maybe it wasn’t a good thing that Alex didn’t seem to care that he was close to death. It only took one more round of violent upchucking for Justin to be convinced that Alex was fine, he got up to wash his hands and to give Zach the all-clear. 

Justin looked over at Alex who had let his smile slip and was now looking down silently, he watched as Alex touched the back of his head and then looked down at his hand and flexed it. Justin knew what he was thinking but he didn’t say anything that seemed to be a common theme with him. After knocking quickly on the bathroom door he sat back down on the couch. “So Standall you wanna watch something?” Justin raised his eyebrows and bit his lip. “Mmm yeah but is it ok if it’s kind of weird?” Zach and Justin looked at each other. “It’s not porn is it?” Zach asked. “Ew no, the fuck is wrong with you Dempsey? No, it’s  _ The Fantastic Mr. Fox _ …” 

“The what?” Justin asked very confusedly.

“Yeah what the hell is that?” Zach looked even more confused.

“Just put it on you’ll like it, especially if you’re high,” Alex said as he looked at Justin expectantly.

“Are fucking serious Standall? You were literally about to go into cardiac arrest and you want to smoke fucking weed right now?”

“Yes?” Alex said.

“He makes a good point Justin,” Zach chimed in already with the remote in his hand searching on amazon for the movie Alex had selected.

“Fine, you guys win,” Justin stood up and grabbed his stash out his bag as he heard the opening music play. 

The rest of the night went by fine, okay better than fine it was the most fun any of them had had in a long time. The movie was fucking awesome and was just what they needed and Alex was right it was better high. Justin watched Alex smile, genuinely smile. It made his heart happy and he didn’t know why and he didn’t want to think about that right now, right now he just wanted to be happy. The next morning however would be a little more complicated and Justin was now certain that Alex had forgotten confessing to Justin. None of that was important though. All that mattered was that he was happy and more importantly Alex was happy or at least happy enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol Alex be puking and Justy be freaking the fuck out.


	6. No homo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, he had no feelings other than concern for Alex Standall. Even if he did have the nicest eyes, Justin had ever seen or if he had the most beautiful laugh that made Justin wish he could go deaf for all sounds except that one. They were just friends, well not really. Besides last night the didn’t really get on that well and even then Alex had been high, Alex was straight, not that it mattered but he definitely felt nothing for Justin. Alex noticed how hard Justin was thinking, he was picking at the corner of the plastic-covered menu. 
> 
> Alex reached out and squeezed his hand trying to comfort him just like he had comforted him earlier. Justin quickly retracted his hand, eyes dodging all around the room. “Hey, man no homo,"
> 
> The morning after, Alex doesn't remember anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took a little longer, mostly because I was procrastinating though.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always super fucking appreciated <3<3

Alex woke up that morning feeling far too small. As if a strong gust of wind could knock him over in one fell swoop. Maybe it was the pounding headache he had or maybe it was that he had no clue where he was or what happened last night. Though if his headache was any indication then he had to guess that last night most likely got out of hand.

As his eyes adjusted in the early morning light it became apparent that he was in Bryce Walker’s pool house, he also became aware of the arm that was wrapped firmly around him as if it was holding onto him for dear life. After some careful adjusting as to not disturb whoever the arm belonged to, he learned that person was none other than Justin Foley.  _ Awesome, I’m trapped in the clutches of my mortal enemy.  _ Sure Alex was somewhat exaggerating but life is no fun if you don’t exaggerate just a tad bit here and there. 

From behind him, he heard a strange rustling noise, he pretended to be asleep so he could play the “you can’t control what happens when you’re asleep” card in no-homo court if need be. The noise continued for a moment followed by the sound of someone standing up and walking down the hall. Alex heard the trickle of water and recoiled at the sound,  _ okay, ew. _

He settled back down and was met with the face of sleeping, Justin. Alex actually didn’t mind him so much like this, Justin’s grip around him tightened, he was sleeping on his other arm, it was a miracle that neither of them had fallen off the couch in the middle of the night, maybe that’s what the hand was for? Probably. Justin sniffed and hummed slightly, Alex noted just how nice a sound that was. It sounded just like a song he couldn’t remember the words to, a distant memory calling to him.

Alex still wasn’t sure who was in the bathroom but whoever it was had shut the door and turned on the shower.  _ Fuck! What time is it?  _ Alex’s blissful thought was interrupted when reality tapped him on the shoulder and reminded him that time existed. He pried himself gently from Justin’s hold on him which was met with an unexpected whimper of dissatisfaction from the athlete as he turned away from Alex sleepily. Alex couldn’t help but stare in awe and the brunet, this was normal right? To not want to look away from your friend. Were they even friends?

Alex pushed those thoughts away and grabbed his phone off the coffee table which he noticed was sitting on top of a jar of peanut butter, next to it was honey and a near-empty bag of bread with only the end pieces remaining, and of course the remnants of what had been several joints.

Alex clicked on his phone and rubbed his eyes.  _ 6:37 am _ he let the anxiety leave his body as he was greeted by the fact that it was Saturday morning. His peacefulness was interrupted when he looked again and saw he had two unread messages from his dad.  _ I am so fucking dead.  _ He unlocked his phone and opened his messaging app the first thing he read was a text he did not remember sending. Followed by a conversation he did not remember having

_ 11:56 pm Friday, September 8th _

_ Alex: Hey dad a friend of mine is really drunk and I don’t want him driving home so I’m going to take him and stay there to make sure he doesn’t choke on his own throw-up. _

_ Alex: Is that ok sir? _

_ Dad (The dictator): Yes, please tell the boy’s parents and be home by lunchtime. _

_ Alex: Thank you, sir, I will. _

_ Dad (The dictator): Who is it? _

_ Alex: Zach Dempsey _

_ Dad (The dictator): Ok _

_ Dad (The dictator): Be safe _

_ I guess drunk Alex covered his bases,  _ He thought as he was most definitely not at Zach Dempsey’s, though maybe that’s who was showering. Alex tossed his phone and walked groggily over to the kitchen, he rummaged through the cabinets until he found a half-empty tin of coffee he absent-mindedly started brewing a pot of the medium roast. 

As quietly as he could he walked over to the coffee table and retrieved the supplies for a morning sandwich. His mission was successful until he returned it all to the kitchen counter with a loud thud. 

“Ahh,” There was a pained groan from the boy on the couch. “Fuck man, don’t be so loud.”

He stood up shakily, he pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head seemingly trying to shake the sleepiness away. When he spied Alex eating a sandwich he looked dumbfounded and what Alex detected to be a hint of disgust.

“Are you seriously eating another one of those fucking things?” He questioned while filling a glass of water.

“Um, yeah? Did I eat a bunch last night or something?” Justin set his water down beside Alex who had hoisted himself up to sit on the counter.

“Oh...you don’t remember anything, should’ve figured you wouldn’t.” He motioned towards the glass of water for Alex to drink it. “Wait!” He said suddenly, spinning around. Alex held still the glass was still pressing against his lips. Justin walked to his bag and returned quickly with a pill bottle. He popped the cap off and handed Alex a small white oval. “Aspirin, for your headache.” Alex relaxed his hand so the glass was no longer blocking his mouth he took the pill from Justin’s hand and set it in the back of his mouth, quickly he took a swig of his water. “Ugh, I hate the way it coats your tongue.” Justin nodded before grabbing a mug out of the cupboard and pouring himself a cup of coffee which wasn’t done brewing but Justin seemed to care more about the caffeine than the cleanliness of the countertop. 

“Don’t you need some?” Alex asked, his mouth full of peanut butter. Justin held up a hand to block the off-putting sight. “Oh sorry,” Alex said realizing his error clasped a hand over his lip and chewed forcefully for a moment until finally, he swallowed eliciting a comical sounding gulp. “So Foley, don’t you need Aspirin?” Justin shrugged, thumbing the rim of his mug, he sipped it and winced it was apparently too hot which anyone could have told you that since the coffee hadn’t even finished brewing let alone cooled down to a non-mouth-on-fire temperature. 

“I didn’t really drink that much, had a couple of joints but nothing too extreme you on the other hand..” He trailed off this time  _ cautiously _ sipping his beverage. “What?” Alex hopped off the counter and pushed past Justin to clean off the counter because he couldn’t stop staring at it.

“I don’t really know how to say this but…” He was interpreted.

“You almost died, last night dude.” A very clean Zach emerged from the hallway, still in his clothes from last night but his hair was wet and he wasn’t wearing shoes.

“Wait, what?!” Had Alex really almost died last night or were they just exaggerating?  _ seems like a weird thing to lie about though.  _

Zach looked at Justin confused as if he was asking a question telepathically Justin answered by shaking his head, Zach apparently had realized something forming an ‘o’ with his mouth.

“Um...I don’t really know how to say this but,” Zach looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. Justin looked at him and finished his sentence for him. “Bryce kind of drugged you…”

Alex looked incredibly alarmed, understandably so. “What do you mean kind of?”

“He  _ did  _ drug you.” Justin looked up at Alex sheepishly.

“And you did nothing to stop him, fucking typical.”

“Hey! I wasn’t even there, Dempsey was.” Justin pointed an accusing finger at Zach who was sipping silently on a cup of coffee, he choked when he heard Justin’s accusation.

“What the hell? How is anyone but Bryce responsible for this?”

“We all know sometimes Bryce does shit that could be stopped.” Alex spat his words like he was allergic to them and couldn’t let them touch his tongue.

After a moment of silence, Alex’s face softened. “Neither of you have told me what happened yet.” He asked in a voice so small it was barely audible.

“Uh, so-” Justin stopped. “I actually don’t know what happened either.”

Zach sighed, “Basically you were hanging outside and you were already really drunk, like do not operate heavy machinery drunk, and Bryce asked gave you a drink but he didn’t tell you that he had crushed up a Xanax,” Alex’s eyebrows knotted together,  _ fucking Bryce. _ “I told him that was shitty but you were already fucked up so you took another one of his fucking Cosby cocktails.” 

Both Justin and Alex's faces twisted up at Zach’s phrasing. “What? It’s true,” Justin shrugged in begrudging agreement. “Anyways you were totally tripping out screaming something about a girl drowning in the hot tub.” Oh, Alex did remember that, but he hadn’t been sure when he woke up if that had been a dream or a memory, turns out it was a drug-fueled guilt trip.

“That’s probably what woke me up,” Justin chimed in.

“So Bryce drugged me? Then why am I here? My phone said that I texted my dad that I was staying at Zach’s” Zach looked over at Justin who was now suspiciously sipping his coffee, eyes wide. “You fucking dick! You texted his dad that he was staying at  _ my  _ place? I told you to tell him that he was staying with you.”

Justin ran an idle hand through his hair. “Well, his dad fucking knows me! He would never let Alex stay at my house!” Alex’s look of confusion had turned to one of utter bewilderment. 

“Wait, how do you know my password?” The jocks stopped bickering for a moment.

“It’s your birthday, obviously anyways Dempsey that doesn’t make any sense…” Justin replied off-handedly and they went back to their petty argument. Alex didn’t know why but Justin knowing his birthday made his heart skip a beat,  _ Hey knock it off you dumbass internal organ!  _ No, he felt absolutely nothing for the boy who apparently knew his birthday by heart.

“So, am I getting this right? Bryce drugged me and I crashed here? You guys texted my dad that I was making sure Zach didn’t die on his own puke?” The argument had seemingly ceased.

“Not exactly…” Justin hopped up on to the counter.

“What happened now? Did we murder someone or something? Just fucking tell me!” Alex was done with them dancing around what actually happened last night.

“Jeez, sorry man. Well after you woke me up with your screaming I came outside and you were completely zoned out. I asked Zach how much you had to drink, he said a lot. Like I explained to Zach last night Xanax is for panic attacks and slows down your heart rate, so does alcohol so you’re like never supposed to take them together especially not two.” 

Alex listened intently and nodded his head signaling for Justin to continue. “Basically if we didn’t get it all out of you’re system your heart rate could’ve fallen so low that you’d have a fucking heart attack so we took you back to the pool house and, fuck do you really not remember anything?” Alex shook his head, should he? Justin looked at Zach and once again seemed to be speaking without words. “I made you throw up,” Alex grimaced. “So like..” Alex lifted his middle and index finger. “Yeah I shoved my fucking finger down you’re throat until you puked it took like an hour to get it all out.” Justin looked at his hand as if he was replaying the repulsing act. 

“Fuck do you really not remember anything? Like nothing at all?” Alex was worried Justin’s tone sounded as if Alex had said or did something to make him scared. “Seriously I don’t remember anything but getting to the party and then waking up here. Why? Did I say something or do something? Or,” He thought about Jess. “Did something happen to me?” Justin looked at him like he could read his thoughts and was quick to assure him that nothing happened to him. “It’s just you kind of told me this story about your dad...” 

_ God fucking dammit!  _ Years of hiding it and dodging questions skilfully, knowing when not to have sleepovers at his house, knowing when he had to fake stomach pain to get out of gym class so he didn’t have to change in front of other kids. Only for one fucking drunken and he guessed drugged up night to let it slip. “You know I was so fucking high and like completely wasted so it was probably all bullshit-'' Justin shook his head angrily. “No, it fucking wasn’t Alex!” The use of his first name coming from Justin’s lips made him hyper-aware suddenly of what was happening. “Just-” He wanted to say Justin’s name back to him but instead he said. “Just what did I say?” Alex looked full of shame and regret.

“Dempsey didn’t hear it so I won’t get into specifics but when he broke your hand and you got stitches.” Alex tensed up, he couldn’t escape that memory he thought about every night, every time his head hurt or his hand fell asleep. Zach looked shocked and appalled,  _ Guess he didn’t hear ANY of it.  _ Alex thought. “Wait that’s what you meant? I thought he’d just get in like  _ a lot of  _ trouble not that his dad fucking hits- Jesus Alex I’m so sorry,” Zach grabbed his arm and squeezed it trying to comfort him. Alex shook him off. 

“I don’t need your fucking pity I told you a really bad story but,” Alex didn’t know who he was trying to convince them or him. “it’s not like that you know? It‘s not, it’s different, he doesn’t” His voice quivered. It was too much, it was  _ all  _ too much. He softly started crying, gentle hot tears. “He doesn’t really do that kind of stuff anymore- he’s better now it’s been weeks, he loves me, you know? he won’t actually do it anymore he said so.” Suddenly there was a comforting warmth engulfing him. It was Justin hugging him, tightly. Fuck, this was exactly what Alex needed. He hadn’t realized how much he had missed being touched by somebody who wasn’t trying to hurt him. It went on a little longer than it probably should have Justin grabbed his shoulder and pushed away gently. “Ok Standall, it’s fine, nobody’s in trouble or anything.” 

Alex wiped his nose and blinked away his remaining tears. “I am,” He said not even wanting to think about what would happen if his dad found out that he had taken Xanax, drank like a fucking fish, and the worst of all in his dad’s eyes, slept in the arms of some boy. Well, it sounds weird if you say it like that, it was more sleeping alone just really,  _ really,  _ close to each other.

Justin knew all too well what it felt like knowing you would have to go back to a house that didn’t want you. Justin bit his lip in pained sadness, Alex felt a little less awful knowing at least someone cared. 

“Hey, um… don’t- Don’t tell Jess okay? She doesn’t need that.” Justin sighed and fully pushed himself off of Alex but instead of returning to where he had previously been on the counter, he stayed right next to Alex mirroring his leaning position. They all stood in silence for a moment until Justin perked up and walked quickly away, Alex would never admit but he ached at the loss of the football star's presence. Justin returned holding Alex’s phone in his muscular hands, he typed in his password and Alex made a mental note to change it. “Look,” He leaned the device towards Alex. “Your dad said you don’t have to be back until lunch, so let’s do something until then otherwise we’re just gonna be fucking standin’ around doing fuck all.” Zach nodded agreeing with the idea. “Come on. Standall I pinky promise no Xanax.” He held his pinkie finger, Alex laughed slightly and took his pinkie and interlocked them; they shook. 

“Alright, foley but I’m holding you to that.” Justin grinned and swung Alex around taking advantage of their connected pinkies. They disconnected to look at a smirking Zach “you boys done? Because I’m fucking starving and looks like Standall ate the last of the bread.” He motioned to Alex's empty paper plate which already had a few ants on it searching for scraps.

“Yeah we’re done, can we go out though? I don’t want to eat here.” Justin walked away and searched for his shoes next to the tv. 

None of them wanted to see Bryce today, if they did there was like seventy-five percent chance one of them would punch him square in his jaw. Zach and Justin were already wearing their shoes by the time Alex started looking for his. It didn’t take long for him to figure out that they were not here. As he searched under the coffee table his eyes were caught by something small and dark sitting next to the pool. He opened the door and was greeted with cold morning air and the stench of alcohol though he didn’t actually see any, in fact, there was no evidence of a party ever happening other than his black converse sitting ominously near the deep blue water. 

He sat down on the concrete and slipped them on, He felt his heartbeat fast, faster than normal, there was immense pain in his side. “Fuck!” He yelled. Justin and Zach ran out the door and Justin rushed to his side. “What? Are you okay? Standall fucking say, something dude.” Alex was in too much pain, he looked at the hot tub which was covered with a large grey cushioned lid. It was shaking, just like coffins in those old vampire movies, His eyes were fixed on the frightening sight. The same familiar feeling of something wet rushed over his lip, he barely even noticed at this point. 

Finally, the lid flew off of the tub and landed with a loud thud, slightly shoving one of the plastic pool chairs. Justin looked back and jumped. _ Wait why did Justin jump?  _ Oh, this was actually happening. A zombie Hannah was about to emerge from the modern-day cauldron and seek her revenge, feast on their flesh, or something. Zach walked over to the panel next to the hot tub. “Looks like Bryce forgot to turn it off last night, Pressure built up and well.” He made an explosion sound. Alex’s heart still didn’t slow, oh fuck was he having a panic attack? Maybe he actually did need Xanax. 

On the back of his head he felt a strong hand pushing his head down, he dipped into the cold abyss of the deep end. Was Justin trying to drown him? The hand’s grip relaxed and Alex was left alone feeling the water flowing gently around him, if he wanted to survive he would have to have steady breathing, after a slight debate he decided that he probably shouldn’t die right now. So he steadied his breathing. He watched the bubbles rise and break the surface, how he wished he could be a bubble only there for a moment, completing its purpose in an instant, bubbles couldn’t do anything wrong or hurt anyone. The same hand that had pushed him down now pulled him back out. “Standall, seriously are you okay?” Alex ran his hand through his newly wet hair. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine just spazzing out or something.” Alex lied. 

He knew that by next week they all would forget about this night, about his dad, about him. So he didn’t need to ruin it with more of his drama. “Can we just get going if I don’t eat something soon then I’m going to eat one of you.” Zach protested. Alex decided to be happy today for as long as he could before he would have to go home and inevitably face his dad. “Dempsey you need to chill,” Alex popped off the ground and headed to the gate. He didn’t see the astonished faces of the jock but he did hear a barely audible Zach say to Justin “Me?” 

They walked down the road slightly before finding Zach's car, which Justin was jealous of but Alex wasn’t. Alex took pride in having a shitty car. It was an old truck that his uncle gave to him when he came to visit earlier that year. The seats were soft and the whole car smelled like cigarettes, from his uncle not him Alex would never smoke  _ inside  _ the truck. It squeaked and rattled, Alex loved it so much, it reminded him of when he was little and he would fall asleep as blurry street lights stung his eyes, twisting in his seatbelt to try to lean down, kicking Peter in the process. 

Zach's car however was very nice, the seats were some expensive fabric and he had managed to maintain the new car small despite his car being nearly a year old. It was sleek and gray. Zach babied his car, he wouldn’t even park it under trees if he saw a bird in them. He called pigeons “the rats of the sky” he was practically at war with the poor creatures. Justin didn’t have a car, obviously. He didn’t need one though wherever he was Zach or Bryce was and they both had cars. 

“Shotgun!” Justin called out with a devilish grin.

“What the fuck no way!” Alex protested.

“Hmm, sorry pal, dems da rules.” Justin reached for the car handle but Alex swatted his hand away.

“Oh yeah? Let’s rock paper scissors for it.” Alex made a fist.

“What no way! I fucking called it! And rock, paper, scissors is for little kids.” Justin crossed his arms. 

“And shotgun isn’t?” Alex asked accusingly.

“Point well taken, let’s fucking do this-”

“Oh my god! Would you guys just get in the fucking car!” A very annoyed Zach said, they looked over to see him lean in the car with the driver's side already open, he climbed inside.

“Justin called shotgun, sorry Alex.” He said turning the key in the ignition.

Justin laughed victoriously and climbed in sticking his tongue out at Alex as he buckled his seatbelt. “This is bullshit, I almost died.” Alex got in the back seat, moping the whole way through the buckling process. “Sorry Standall,” Zach apologized, as he looked out his back window as the car reversed. “Dems da rules.” Alex rolled his eyes. 

“Fine then I get to choose the music. Foley gimme Zach’s phone,” The brunet handed the bleach blonde the device. He searched carelessly through his Spotify profile before choosing a playlist called,  _ Alex just be happy or just don’t be sad.  _ His playlist names had always been long and ridiculous. The first was  _ Alright  _ by Supergrass. The athletes nodded their heads to the beat. In unison, they all sang.

“We are young, we run free, keep our teeth nice and clean. See our friends, see the sights, feel alright. We wake up, smoke a-” Before the next line Alex stopped singing neither of the boys sitting in the front noticed the absence of his voice. Justin looked back and took a moment to examine the boy who was looking out the window, who was trying to feel like a little kid again. The way Alex bit his chapped lips captivated Justin, the bridge of his nose, the reflection of trees in his pale eyes. 

Justin's face fell as he realized something awful,  _ no, no fucking way! Not fucking Standall! I can’t not after- I’m not even fucking, like that.  _ He turned his head quickly and looked down shamefully, he tapped his fingers against his thigh. “Then why can’t you stop looking at me?” Justin's head snapped back to look at Alex,  _ does he know? Fuck how could he know? Everyone can probably see it on my fucking face, Justin fucking faggot Foley.  _ “What did you say?” Justin asked cautiously, Alex turned his head from the window to look at a very flustered Justin. “I didn’t say anything, weirdo.” Alex jabbed. He raised his eyebrows, sarcastically rolled his eyes. “Yeah and I’m the fucking crazy one,” He muttered under his breath, he turned away and continued staring out the window. 

_ See it was just your imagination, no one knows,  _ His expression soured  _ But they will if you don’t stop staring at fucking Alex Standall.  _ His innermost thoughts were betraying him, normally he could push these away, but something about Alex made it so damn hard.  _ But he’s so pretty...No! No, he isn’t he’s a guy, guys aren’t pretty unless you’re a fucking faggot, which you aren’t.  _ “Right Justin? You aren’t a faggot.” Zach stared at him. Justin was wigging out. “Yo Foley! I said we’re here.” Justin tried to shake the feeling off, he wasn’t gay, he was straight. He was Justin motherfucking Foley, of course, he was straight he was just concerned for Alex, for sad, nice, funny, pretty Alex. He smiled dreamily, lost in thoughts of the way he felt wrapped up in Justin’s arms. The bell of the diner rang out bringing Justin back down to earth. 

No, he had no feelings other than concern for Alex Standall. Even if he did have the nicest eyes, Justin had ever seen or if he had the most beautiful laugh that made Justin wish he could go deaf for all sounds except that one. They were just friends, well not really. Besides last night the didn’t really get on that well and even then Alex had been high, Alex was straight, not that it mattered but he definitely felt nothing for Justin. Alex noticed how hard Justin was thinking, he was picking at the corner of the plastic-covered menu. 

Alex reached out and squeezed his hand trying to comfort him just like he had comforted him earlier. Justin quickly retracted his hand, eyes dodging all around the room. “Hey man no homo,” Zach chuckled Alex felt more than a little hurt but he understood, Justin was straight and didn’t want “the school fag” as Bryce so lovingly called him, to be seen touching him. “I can’t believe you just ‘no homoed me” Justin sat on his hands, there would be no more touching at least not on his end. “Whatever, don’t get too attached Standall this is probably a one time deal.” Justin wanted Alex to hurt, he wanted his words to sting like lemon juice in an open wound, but nothing had prepared him for just how betrayed the blonde boy would look. Fuck, maybe he didn’t want them to hurt  _ that  _ much. “Oh,” Alex said softly. Justin opened his mouth to apologize but Alex spoke before he had the chance. “Whatever, it’s chill, what are you getting Zach?” He looked away from Justin, but Justin couldn’t look away from him. 

He watched the shadows dance over Alex's thin face, the early morning light bathing him angelically. His hair still damp from the pool, his nose ring glistened ever so gently, his light blue eyes looked so far removed from everything as if they were seeing something totally different than a diner, with three boys sitting, one secretly, as Justin let himself admit, completely obsessed with the other. Breakfast arrived and was quickly devoured, it was followed by “breakfast dessert”, which was an effort to keep Alex out of his house as long as possible until he had to absolutely positively go home, they walked to the park and laid down and the dew-covered grass, Justin pulled out his cigarettes, he lit it after taking a puff he offered it to Zach who always refused, then he offered it to Alex who usually refused but this time he took it gently out of Justin's lips and put to his own. 

He drew the smoke in and held it in his long letting it stay just a little too long, just long enough to burn. He exhaled, throwing his back and laying down on the grass. He put his arms behind his head, Justin watched as the smoke exited his pink lips and dispersed into the sky. They talked for a while until Zach got bored watching them smoke. “Let’s go get sodas or something.” He suggested standing up and stretching out his long limbs. “Aww, what’s wrong Zachy are you bored?” Alex mocked. Zach flipped him off. “First of all don’t call me Zachy, second of all yes so get your asses up.” The boys who were still laying on the ground chuckled heartily. Shakily they stood up, Alex tripped and fell into Justin's arms. For a second he remained, Justin didn’t mind. Alex pushed himself away. He took another drag. “Hey, no homo.” He giggled. “Yeah, no homo,” Justin said softly, though now he wasn’t so sure if he meant it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys be like no homo zach be like can we eat?


	7. Suicide isn't dying, Alex.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin was sitting under the bleachers smoking weed when he saw the doors of the gym burst open. Out walked Alex, eyes red with angry tears, and a familiar nose bleed running over his lips. His fist clenching harder with each step. Justin watched intensely as the blonde walked away from the gym which had the roar of boyish laughter ringing through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't really been posting been dealing with some mental issues as well as just feeling kind of uninspired but I will try harder. <3 <3

Alex was right about them forgetting about everything. They all went back to their normal routine, barely talking to each other at school, sitting together at lunch, hanging out at Bryce’s, trying to get Alex in trouble. Well, that last part it seemed Zach didn’t participate in anymore. Maybe he hadn’t forgotten but just didn’t care. Justin on the other hand paid him even less attention then normal, in fact he was actively antagonizing him, preying on every word he said, what he wore. It made him feel like shit, he got enough of that kind of behavior at home, and for a brief moment he had actually liked Justin, he thought that maybe just maybe that Justin had liked him at least a little bit, Obviously he had been wrong. Justin had been so cruel at lunch one day that it had legitimately made Alex run off crying. He knew none of them noticed, well he thought so. In reality Justin noticed. He couldn’t tell if he felt prideful for hurting the younger boy or ashamed. 

Regardless of any of the fuckery of Bryce and his goons, Alex didn’t have any other friends, sure Jess and him had to tolerate each other now since she and Justin were dating, but Hannah was gone and the only other person who talked to him was Clay but it was only ever about Hannah and what a bad person Alex was. 

Alex couldn’t help but feel like he had been the sole cause of everything wrong in his life. It was his fault that Justin and Zach didn’t speak to him anymore, it was his fault Jess hated his guts, it was his fault his dad hit him, it was his fault that he didn’t eat enough, it was his fault that Hannah died.  _ Ha! Died, _ he chuckled to himself in sick enjoyment.  _ She didn’t die, she killed herself, and it was all because of you.  _ Alex’s thoughts grew darker each day, there was an unrelenting storm brewing in his head. No matter what he did, or what he took, or drank, he couldn’t make it stop. He knew there was only one way. The only thing stopping him was his lack of courage and his knowledge that he’d be labeled a copycat. Even with something like this his main concern was his reputation,  _ typical. _

What Alex didn’t know was that eyes, near identical to his, had been watching him since the night of Bryce's party. The eyes were that of Justin, who had been secretly very concerned for Alex. Justin watched the boy drag his feet through the halls, he watched as he would come out of the bathroom, blue eyes now tinted red, along with his cheeks and nose. He watched the dark circles around his eye grow, he hurt when Alex would elect to change in the bathroom instead of the locker room for gym. Justin worried about why he would do that, maybe he just didn’t want to be near any of those assholes. Then again he hadn’t had any trouble before.

Justin had decided not to talk to him for awhile, then awhile became forever. He knew he was just broken and useless, he couldn’t help Alex he could only hurt him, he didn’t want that so he just ignored the bleach blonde, even if he was talking directly to him.  _ You’re hurting him anyways moron, can’t you see how miserable he looks.  _ Alex looked bad, it was true. His bright eyes replaced with distant sad ones, blue-ish bags collected under his eyes. He stopped, even trying to look nice, his glasses had returned, which worried Justin but at the same time delighted him. Alex looked so broken, like he had totally given up. Justin didn’t know what to do, he wanted to help, he really did, but there was always this part of him saying,  _ What can you do? He hates you.  _

So he let Alex go.

He focused only on Jessica, her soft edges and curves, her tooth filled smile, the way she walked. The problem was, none of that attracted him, he thought at one point he could trick himself into thinking it did, but after he met he-who-shall-not-be-named, that all changed.

Justin was sitting under the bleachers smoking weed when he saw the doors of the gym burst open. Out walked Alex, eyes red with angry tears, and a familiar nose bleed running over his lips. His fist clenching harder with each step. Justin watched intensely as the blonde walked away from the gym which had the roar of boyish laughter ringing through it. 

Alex didn’t need this, he didn’t need another injury. He walked determinedly until he reached the side of the sports shed which housed a bunch of gear. Out of view of the gym but not Justin, Alex dropped his shoulders and leaned his forehead against the bricks.

Justin choked on his smoke, he quickly covered his mouth so as to not scare off Alex.  _ What did he do this time? _ It was always Alex’s fault when he got hurt.... School-wise that is. Alex leaned his head off of the wall and stared a thousand miles into the wall. He needed to hurt something, he needed to hurt himself. He pulled back and started pounding his fist into the bricks, he winced at first and considered briefly if this was a dumb idea or not. He decided it was not.

1-2-3-4-5 with each hit it got easier, he couldn’t help from yelping the first few times but by this point his throat was so filled with phlegm that the only sound that escaped him was a choked sob of agony. Justin, horrified, watched in shock before a familiar tinge of heat met his finger tips. “Shit!” He cried out realizing the flame at the end of his joint had caught up to his hand. Dropping it quickly. Alex's head turned like a shot.  _ Fuck! He’s gonna be so embarrassed.  _ Justin didn’t know why that was his first thought, it should have been more along the lines of  _ he caught me smoking  _ or  _ this is super awkward  _ which it was.

The boy who had since discarded his trojan joint walked swiftly over to Alex who was walking away like Justin was contagious. “Hey! Man come on” Alex didn’t turn around. “What the fuck do you want.” Justin shrugged forgetting Alex couldn’t see him. Quickly he remembered and corrected his error. “I don’t know-” Alex turned around, face hot. “Yes you fucking do, don’t say you,” He took a frantic breath. “Don’t know,” He said mockingly. “You do know! So tell me Foley what is so fucking fansanating about me?” Justin searched Alex's face for an answer. Alex shook his head. “Of course, typical Justin Foley tongue tied.” The blonde turned his back to the brunet and started walking away before he stopped and sat down on the sidewalk, feet almost glued to the parking lot pavement as if letting them move would cause him to float into space.

Alex's head suddenly too heavy for his neck fell to his hands. Justin sat next to him. “Why?” The jock said with tainted innocence. “Because why not?” Justin laughed a little, a cigarette had almost magically appeared in his mouth, he lit it and passed it over to Alex who took it without a word. “If I can’t say I don’t know then you can’t say why not,” Alex turned his head so he could lay on his crossed arms that rested on his knees. “If I told you, you wouldn’t give a shit,” He stretched letting the cigarette hang loosely on his lips. Justin grabbed it and brought it to his own mouth. Alex’s hand fell. “You’d just tell Bryce and his goons.” In Alex's defense he didn’t know how Justin surveilled him nearly all day every day.

“Who else are you gonna tell? Your diary?” he shoved Alex’s arm which earned him a soft chuckle.  _ Good, he’s not totally devoid of joy. _ “Dick,” The thinner of the two said. Alex's foot shuffled softly, the weight becoming less heavy, seeming stupid now. “It’s stupid, I was just angry,” Justin released the smoke in his lungs and raised his eyebrows. “Yeah does uh, ‘just angry’ give you nosebleeds?” He reached his hand out to clean off the blood from the boy's lip but Alex turned his head and wiped it on his bare wrist. Alex was wearing a black tee shirt, which it was way too cold for. 

Justin shuffled his feet now, “Come on Standall just talk to me,” He passed the flame to the pale boy. Alex wobbled his head and finally let his left Converse rest on top of Justin's right Adida.  _ It’s not like holding hands or anything that would be faggy. _ Justin’s head was quick to make excuses. He liked the gentle weight. Alex knew he couldn’t tell Justin what had happened, it would ruin anything good he felt. Plus, Justin would definitely never talk to him again. So, meekly he replied. “Monty…” A lie. 

Justin's blood boiled,  _ Of course it’s fucking Monty he can’t go two seconds without beating up some poor kid- not that Alex is just some poor kid- But he does provoke- SHUT UP!  _ Justin's head was going a mile a minute. “What did you- he do this time?” He figured he would only get a straight answer if he played into what Alex liked. If he even knew what that was. “I was just mouthing off,”  _ That’s a given.  _ “And I guess Monty got sick of it so he walked up to me and bam! Right to the moon.” Alex punched his hand in jest. Justin didn’t get the reference but that was okay, he wiggled his foot, Alex quickly removed his foot and curled away from the jock, he stuck his hand out to give him back the cigarette. Justin, saddened by the loss, let his guard down ever so gently and let his foot creep over the top of Alex’s. The frail boy looked back with a look of guilt and comfort. Justin rubbed Alex’s back. “Standall you’re a really weird kid, y’know that?” Alex huffed and nodded. “You’re tellin’ me.” Justin's hand lingered in between Alex's shoulder blades.

And there they were again, just staring at each other searching for anything to say. Justin cleared his throat and removed his hand. “Aw fuck,” Alex said with a pained groan following shortly after. “Stomach?” Justin sounded too concerned for his liking. “Nah, hand.” He flexed it breaking up the crusted blood into a desert like pattern. “Jeez man, you’re crazy.” The hand was stiff and the fingers frozen in bent, contorted positions. Fresh blood flowed from the rips on his knuckles over the old blood. Bruises in purple, brown, and green hues covered the appendigy. “Yeah…” Alex said knowingly. “Can’t you go one day without getting in a fight?” Justin said, taking his final draw from the cancer stick before letting Alex have the last one or two puffs. “I don’t think I can.” Justin shook his head in soft laughter. “When did you become an evil light boy?” Justin said offhandedly, Alex’s eyes widened.  _ He hadn’t actually made that reference, right? Justin motherfucking Foley would never make THAT reference.  _ Alex shook it off and raised his arm to throw the butt of the cigarette into the street. Justin grabbed his wrist, wincing at how cold the boy's skin was. “Here give it to me,” Alex deposited it into Justin's hand, who stuffed it into his pocket. “Can’t leave any trace,” He winked. “Ughlegh” Alex made a puking face.

The bell rang. Alex's face dropped. _ No, no fuck this! It’s not fair why does every fucking person at this school deserve of piece of Alex.  _ “It’s just because you don’t get one, isn’t it fag?” Alex spat. “Wh-what?” Justin said fearfully. “Uh the bell rang I’ve gotta go I’m gonna miss class.” The  _ real  _ Alex said. “Oh, okay good- well not good I mean missing class isn’t good but-” He chuckled. Alex looked down at their feet. His foot was falling asleep from Justin’s being on top of it for so long. Justin watched the messy redness from crying be replaced with the clean red of the bitter cold. “So um,” Alex cleared his throat. “Oh right!” Justin removed his foot already feeling off without the presence. Justin fidgeted with the used cigarette in his pocket as Alex stood up. “Hey um, I really don’t give a single shit about this class, do you maybe wanna skip with me? You don’t have to-” Justin already on his feet was walking away. Alex felt tears welling up in his eyes,  _ Moron! He was probably only talking to you so he can make fun of you later.  _ “Are you coming Standall?” Justin didn’t look at him. Alex wiped his eyes and ran up to the jock. Wordlessly Justin shed his letterman jacket and handed it to Alex. “Don’t say anything just take it. I have a sweater on anyway. I’m too hot with the jacket on” Alex put it on, it was looser on him then Justin expected. Since it was the middle of the school day nobody would be there to see them. Justin liked the way Alex looked swimming in the blue and white fabric. He sensed that he should look away when Alex’s eyebrows knitted together. Alex never said “thank you” but he would always shove Justin’s shoulder. So he did and as they laughed they stepped off of school grounds.

  
Alex had known for a few weeks that if his thoughts continued in this trajectory that he’d end up just like Hannah. It wasn’t like the thought hadn’t crossed his mind once or twice. Okay, fine a thousand times. He knew no one would really miss him. The shock might be enough to make some people cry but if you were to see his empty room filled with posters and his shirts all hung up neatly in his closet you wouldn’t get the sense that anyone worthwhile had ever lived there. The worst of it all was that not even Hannah knew just how guilty he was. Justin didn’t even know how similar they really were, then again neither did Alex. Coldly he asked. “Are you afraid of dying Justin?” Justin was confused by the irregular use of his first name. As well as the question. “I think dying would not be awful for me but what comes after you die.” Alex scoffed, interrupting his somber expression temporarily. “What like heaven and hell?” Justin shook his head. “No, like just because I’m gone doesn't mean it’s over, everyone around me would be affected.” Alex lowered his head. “What if it turns out everything is better without you.” Alex sounded like a little kid asking about something embarrassingly trivial. Justin didn’t know what was happening in his head but he could guess. “Suicide isn’t dying, Alex it’s more than that. It’s basically a huge fuck you to everyone who loves you.” Alex hated when people said shit like this, it’s just even more expectations on him. More responsibility. If this had been said to him two hours ago he would have just flipped Justin off and left. “Would it-” He turned away from Justin's gaze. “Would it be a huge ‘fuck you’ to you?” Justin laughed as if the answer was obvious. “Of fucking course man!” Alex was glad he wasn’t looking at him, because he felt heat rise to his cheeks,  _ that’s called blushing idiot.  _ Alex turned his head and looked as if he was holding back the goofiest of smiles. Justin was proud of that. Alex bumped Justin’s shoulder again. Maybe it didn’t mean thank you maybe just maybe it meant something totally different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex really do be getting hurt a lot


	8. UPDATE

Hey, this is just an update about this fic. It's not abandoned but I have been really struggling to find any motivation plus I got temporarily locked out of my a03 because I forgot my password. I'm actually working on a couple of chapters for this fic right now so if you liked this fic don't worry it's coming back. Probs in a couple of days

Thanks for all of your nice comments and kudos they are the only reason I continue to do this. <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> Sad boi Alex is sad. sorry if you read this I suck.


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